Two Sides of the Same Rhetorical Coin

I find myself wondering if the gay community's readiness to blame that person's family of origin and the church when a GLBT LDS person commits suicide (or dies in any way that could be suicide)isn't very much the same as the readiness within certain segments of religious communities to blame the family or the gay person (i.e. his or her parents for not providing appropriate role modeling) and the gay community (i.e. the culture, the recruiters, etc.)for a person's expression of sexual identity or acknowledgment of same sex attraction.

Colt Hansen-Updates you may not have read . . .

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2010/11/colt-david-hansen-clash-with-mormon-faith-leads-to-another-lgbt-suicide-in-utah/

"#1 – The fight between Colt and his Father the night before. It was originally told to PRIDEinUtah that the fight was over the Mormon (LDS) religion. It looks like this has been disproven, and the fight was over some private family matters which I don’t think I should post here.

#2 – Was his death a suicide? This is mostly likely going to be a grey area permanently. Half of Colt’s friends (including the ones who initially spoke with PRIDEinUtah last week) are saying it was a suicide, but the other half are saying his overdose on depression and surgery medications was an accident. The simple fact is we may not ever find out which it was. We are still trying to see the coroner’s report, but we are told the cause of death is still undetermined. However, after speaking with several health professionals we have been advised that even if it was suicide, the cause of death will almost always still be listed as accidental.

#3 – The parents do not want friends to attend the funeral. This was both true and false it seems. The family initially announced that it would be a family-only affair, prompting our story on Friday. Since then however his family has come out saying that they only did that because they didn’t think anyone would come. Any friends of Colt who would like to attend will be more than welcomed by the family. However this still doesn’t change the facts of how they handled the obituary, or that they are asking for donations to the Mormon Mission Fund in Colt’s name.

When it comes down to it though folks, none of this really matters. What matters is that we have lost an incredibly wonderful person in our community. The outpouring at his memorial at Try-Angles last night was incredibly beautiful, so many of Colt’s friends and co-workers shared personal stories about how he brightened their lives. I was in tears by the end, and was reminded of what’s really important. It’s not the details of someone’s death that count. It’s remembering who they were, and renewing your personal pledge to be the best friend you can be so that hopefully one day we can end these senseless deaths.

Rest in peace Colt, you will be dearly missed and you were dearly loved."

An Emancipation Story

Ahhh, Freedom from Oppression on the new Underground Railroad for unhappy GLBT youth. Moho Hawaii blogs about a 29 year old cousin who intends to insist his 16 year old cousin in fleeing from oppressive Utah. I must say I can't wait to hear how this one plays out(Adult gay male relative lures Utah teen from his home-wait till the homophobes seize on that one).

As a parent, I do not support this kind of meddling from well intentioned outsiders and we had quite an issue with one of our hetero kids with it. With the Kid, he also wanted to move out early and I blocked it. Kind of. But not really, because here was the deal, "Kid, you meet all the requirements the court would have, i.e. show that you are capable of managing your financial affairs, etc. and I WILL HELP you fill out the paperwork for your emanicipation petition and support you before the court in getting it."

This is an issue that pops up in my professional life from time to time. There are adults who are happy to provide other people's children a place to sleep on a couch or with their child, to have unprotected sex, drink, use drugs and not go to school. I've not seen the gay version of this, but I've certainly seen it with hetero kids. "Oh, and Mom, me and her have a paper route, and her Mom can get extra food stamps if I come live with them and extra money from the state." And, in all fairness there are others who are just willing to help otherwise mostly responsible teenagers with real or perceived problems.

In our later case, the Kid didn't like the offer to assist him in becoming emancipated. At all. And the funny thing was as eighteen neared, he was not quite so ready to go and needed some ever so gentle motherly nudging to launch from the nest. We are all happy now and he has completed high school, which he would not have if emancipated or "moved out," is furthering his education and ability to support himself, and, I think is relatively happy NOW.

GLBTQ youth NEED their parents. They need them for access to Medical Care. Does 29 year old cousin have the ability to ensure that if there is a serious organic component to depression of teen cousin, he can get treatment for that? Some more than others need them for the structure and responsiblity. Is 29 year old cousin really ready to enforce some reasonable rules or is it going to be party hardy central in his apartment day and night? Hell, is he ready and financially able to feed the typical older teenage boy? And, I could go on.

If it is really that oppressive, then the local child protection agency would be involved and placement with the cousin may indeed be an option, but, interfering with the parent child relationship when that point has not been reached is indefensible. Adult cousin should offer to help in anyway he can, but if rebuffed should stay out of state and mind his own business until cousin is eighteen.

My Own It Gets Better Post

My remarks are directed at parents, particularly any other parents like myself who may have more fluid sexual identity, are devout members of the LDS church, and are dealing with the early stages of a child questioning and coming out.

It gets better.

The internal conflict you feel may be debilitating, the decisions you are called to make on how to best counsel, guide and, yes, at times discipline your LGBTQ child may be daunting, and your ability to care for your own needs may be diminished. In my own case, I fasted and prayed, not for change, but for a greater ability to love, that my child might develop a testimony, and to know how to best respond. I eventually was blessed with tremendous peace and great hope for a better future. I also had to work and walk a fine line. With gay kids and the ever present dialogue over suicide issues, its easy to slip into lower expectations for them to avoid conflict. Don't. Stand firm and require progress in school and other facets of their lives.

Surprisingly, you will also come to a greater acceptance of yourself and have more grace in dealing with the foibles of others.

Question-Believing and LGBT or same sex attracted and parenting children who are LGBT or same sex attracted?

It has recently come to my attention that there are at least two other members of the MOHO blogosphere who could be classified as "actively believing" in the "gospel" and remaining close to the church and either consider themselves LGBT and same sex attracted, and raising children who are questioning, same sex attracted or openly LGBT. Are there more of us than three?

The Resignation of Boyd K. Packer

As I listened to his talk, the best way I can put what I heard from him on the "marriage" issue was resignation that change was on its way outside of the Church. And frustration. All in all, I thought that talk covered much more than marriage and touched the vast majority of all LDS homes through the pornography issue and others. I also found Dallin H. Oaks talk interesting in light of what I know about John G-W's experiences. However, I believe each individual has to do the very best they can in light of what they experience of the Spirit. And, I know in my heart that some things will always be in conflict or be ambiguous when it comes to the gospel. Each person must seek to reconcile their own experiences in the very best way they can. Perhaps most telling was the fatigued, wearied, yet powerful gratitude of our prophet at the end of the morning session.

How I will Spend Conference Weekend

My comments are inspired by Kiley's post on General Conference.

Today I might do some grocery shopping before settling in with my computer for the Saturday morning session. I may even do the dishes and begin my preliminary 'fridgerator' purge preparatory to grocery shopping, or maybe not. I will ask Baby Song if he would like to watch a talk or two with me this morning. He may or may not, but I will not require a Saturday morning session of him. After conference on my laptop, I doubt that I will reopen a conference program until very late this evening.

Some years ago, I helped start a community event which takes place on fall conference weekend. All of us Mormons on that initial board forgot about conference and didn't raise an objection to the timing, so for years we all had to juggle our community committment with our inherent conference commitment. This afternoon, DH and I and Baby Song will attend part of that event together. Then we will go home and work on our landscape for a while. I may bake sweet treats, make jam or make soup. Mid evening I will go to another part of the community event alone.

When I get home, depending on my fatigue level, I might listen to a rebroadcast of part or all of the afternoon session.

On Sunday, I along with Baby Song will probably get dressed and go to the Sunday Morning session of conference at the local building receiving the broadcast, although I have been known to skip it and only go to the afternoon session. I will make my normal Sunday calls to loved ones. I may go alone to the Sunday Afternoon session at the local building, skip it or watch it by myself on the internet. For the next few weeks I will watch whatever parts of conference I missed online by myself.

Sunday night, I will go alone or with a friend or possibly with DH and Baby Song to the final activity of the community event.

Sometime in the next few days, I will talk with Number One Song, who did the entire conference weekend last year and had some "picks" as to what the best talks were, to see what his take was on his favorites this year (that is, if he was off from work and made it to different sessions than I did). Last year DH and Baby Song joined in that telephone call and it had a bit of a flavor of a fantasy football draft as we talked about Number One Song's "picks."

If our history is any indication of the future, we will have at least 4-5 family home evenings in the next 2-3 months where we watch talks from conference from the internet archives and discuss them.

I will probably shoehorn a nap or two in somewhere as well. I don't suppose we "celebrate" fall conference in the stereotypical way, but I think it works for us. I also would like to blog a bit and do some bookkeeping for my business.

I do like conference weekends in both Spring and Fall, but I do not think I could ever do an entire weekend with my current family configuration and I've always had a bit of morbid disbelief that some families do manage to attend or watch the whole thing, together.

I've never attended conference live. I suspect it's one of those things that is really better for some people in person, although I do not know if I'm one of them-I don't think I'd like the traffic and the huge numbers of people. I love the flexibility of the broadcasts on the internet. Each year the technology required to deliver to a worldwide audience seems to improve as well.