I Left my Flaming Pantyhose at the Summer Cottage in Babylon

So, as a brief and incongruous interlude to my ongoing dissection of domestic violence issues in the LDS and LGBT communities and how those concerns may intersect, I now take you to my very own Summer Cottage in Babylon which I gave up a couple of years ago-Roller Derby. I loved Derby. Due to my age, I rode the second wave ashore and was a dedicated, though mostly closeted fan.

I say mostly closeted, because the fam and I did go together to watch one incredibly satisfying, slutty, violent, catty clash of femmes and butches working together to kick "trash." They all loved it and as I mentioned to DH, "Chicks with big thighs-could it get any better?" He did not object. Certainly one could speculate that my obsession with derby and sizable female thighs is ample evidence of my "sexual fluidity."

I followed a particular team, had a favorite skater and followed her on MySpace and Facebook, and almost broke my pledge regarding never wearing pantyhose again. For you see, derby girls are unrepentant connoisseurs of fish net, tights with flames, and all manner of extreme hosiery. However, I did decide that the incessant innuendo, crude humor and language, and, yes, the violence of it all, probably wasn't appropriate for the part of me that wanted to be a "holy woman." So I left derby behind.

Which leaves the pantyhose issue doesn't it? That's another incongruity and according to some measures of "tru-blu mormonism" a matter of obvious hypocrisy on my part as I refuse to wear pantyhose (well at least the demure sheer or semi sheer that are part of the Sunday Mormon Woman Uniform). The one exception was last year's civil wedding of the "kids." Let it be known that I also wore a girdle for that event as well. Never again.

I digress.

The point being that were I to actually take up wearing pantyhose or tights to church again, they would be of the highly patterned kind or nearly opaque ornate knitted "fishnet." Even if I wanted to go sheer or semi-sheer, there is still the matter of the network varicose veins and spider on my left shin that somewhat resembles a tattoo of the highway network on the Eastern Seaboard. Given the possibility that conspiring minds could mistakenly conclude Quiet Song had a leg tattoo, demure Mormon lady pantyhose is out. Which leaves my Islamic style long skirts which allow me great flexibility in both footwear and hosiery, or lack thereof.

Last night I dreamed a crazy dream . . .

Last night I dreamed a crazy dream about two persons I "know" only from online connections. I actually have limited connections even online with with only one. Both were setting up businesses near where I had a business location. "Good" online persona dropped by my home to crash our summer backyard Family Home Evening (at a home I've never seen or lived at before) and Drama Mama was actually there without being dramatic. My family enjoyed meeting "Good" as did I. "Bad" online persona knew he was bad and knew that I knew him even though we never had exchanged any direct communication. "Bad" was setting up a Pizza and Deli place around the corner from myself and "Good." "Bad" was very bad, and I had to have a very assertive face to face conversation with him where I set the record straight, so to speak, and laid out my expectations of his behavior, and what the consequences would be if he did not toe the line. "Bad" agreed to comply and gave me a copy of his menu which had a number of tasty looking items on it.

I rather think I am spending too much time online.

In the year and a half I've been reading Moho blogs several have went private or closed. And, I've felt sadness about that. Why, I'll never intellectually understand. Bad and Good personas are not within that group. I don't even think "Bad" blogs, just makes troll posts on various blogs I read throughout the blogosphere. Through reading blogs and posting, I have received comfort on my political/religious/social/familial/emotional interface boundary issues and internal conflicts regarding gay marriage and parenting a LGBT teenager.

I've tried to ascertain what it means to me to be a person who has been attracted to both sexes. I still don't have any clearer answer and cannot determine whether I have a true identity as a straight person or an identity as an LGBT person or if I just stay with the "sexual" person categorization I gave myself years ago. I think the kid has more of an LGBT identity, but he shows signs of possbily jettisoning that as well in favor of the "sexual person" identity his parent has adopted as he grows up.

Thanks to Drama Mama, I'm now also really questioning what I want to keep from my family of origin identity. There isn't much lovely or of good report. I have a small ethnic identity which I'm going to expand upon. Thanks to Drama Mama, that was stripped from me as a child, but I'm now going to reclaim it and make it a bigger part of my life. I have a beloved elder who was in my life and that person is a part of my identity. Drama Mama did provide me the gospel in her inimitable theatrical way, though, and that seems to be the real key to my identity.

This was confirmed through yet another online type of experience, a list serve, it is the gospel part that seems to make the greatest difference to me in defining who I am. It's not my membership in the LDS church, it is my own personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. And, it occurs to me that this identity is really the only one that matters. That is what blogging has done for me.

I had also hoped to provide another voice, one that doesn't get heard often within the cacophony of debate. I think I've done that. So, like others I'm going quiet for a while although I'll probably leave this blog up for a long time even if I don't post again.

But now back to real life.

Not in an Identity Crisis

So, I'm feeling a little frustrated due to the fact that since decided to ever so slightly "identify" as being a "person" attracted to both sexes, that I seem to be "sexualizing" everybody. I liked it better when I was simply "sexual." I also don't like the possibility of weirding people out, I find I can't be as physically warm as before. That is a real loss, but perhaps more reserve is called for anyway.

Which is not to say much one way or the other, because I'm pretty much physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained at the moment. My erstwhile stable routine that allowed for a beautiful daily prayer experience has been capsized and I'm now on the prayer equivalent of a fast food diet. And, really not feeling "sexual" at all and wanting that special time I used to have with my Heavenly Father and my elder brother.