The Wacky Taffy that Resulted in the Formation of my Inner Homophobe-Part 2

Let me preface this post by saying a few things: First, I do know wonderful LGBT people. Second, I think this is, in an odd way, part of my grieving process for my Drama Mama. And, Third, part of the reason why I'd rather see my kids not involved in some of this activity (including the heterosexual equivalents)-let's face it, it IS downright weird.

The Professor Prefers Men

When I returned from my sojourn in the city of my grandmother, I briefly went to a four year college for two quarters. I didn't have enough money, Drama Mama would call me every Friday morning weeping because her marriage to wicked stepfather was falling apart (appropriately so) and I just didn't know how to solve certain problems I was having. I can't remember what I did then-I am getting so old. This had to have been when I worked in a garment factory-that too, is a tale for another blog. By this time Drama Mama had moved to another state.

I decided to go to community college. DH was there, we were not publicly engaged, but very obviously a couple. The final semester I was taking a science class from a very old, but very GQ professor who had never married. DH had been his lab assistant at some time in the past. Anyway, he and DH were friends. The professor asked a question in class and I raised my hand and gave an answer based on what I had learned the previous year at the four year university.

He then started ridiculing me in front of the full class and when I asked him what he believed the answer to be, he told me to leave physically threatened me and came toward me like he was going to throw me out of the class. At the doorway, I turned around and told the professor that I thought his behavior was very unprofessional and that I would be reporting it. I went immediately to counseling where they told me that this professor had a long history of being unable to deal with women and harassing his female students.

Believe it or not, I did go onto finish the course in this man's class and did get a suitable grade from him. He retired that June, under pressure, I understand. His then current lab assistant explained it to me, the professor was gay, he was jealous of the relationship that DH had formed with me. I heard this over and over in the community. And, then I remembered, the professor lived down the street from me and I HAD seen a constant stream of young men going to his house when I lived there, but never thought much about it. DH claimed the professor never approached him or did anything inappropriate, but the then current lab assistant said that he had had a talk with the professor about ceasing inappropriate and too frequent butt patting.

My Dearly Beloved Brother in Law the Early Years

When my Brother in Law (BIL) came out, I tried to be especially supportive. Remember, I was a card carrying Mormon with two young children. BIL was a social maladroit before coming out and although DH loved him (he died young of a heart attack), and he was a good person at the core, he had issues. Anyway, BIL lived in the same town we did, and we spent a lot of time with BIL. BIL was with us when our first child was born taking pictures.

One day BIL, DH and I were sitting in my living room, my children were napping and we all comfortably settled in just to relax. DH stretched out on the couch, I was sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the room, and BIL was leaning up against the couch while sitting on the floor right in front of DH's knees. DH fell asleep while BIL and I were having a conversation. I can't remember the topic, but it must have had something to do with gay issues, because BIL suddenly got on all fours and crawled up close to DH's face and said, "Poor DH he has never been kissed by a man, shall I kiss him now?"

Somehow, I managed to croak "No." Lucky was BIL that I was both young and so shocked as to be nearly speechless. BIL was not joking, nor was he drunk or on any kind of drug. Had this happened any time in the last twenty years, I would have so torn his sorry fanny to pieces over that it would be unrecognizable. Needless to say, in spite of my youth, that incident began a vast distancing for me in trying to be supportive of BIL's issues surrounding his coming out. Luckily for BIL and for us, he soon met the love of his life, Cervantes, and that gave BIL someone else to fantasize about kissing other than my DH.

La Conquistadora

DH's first job out of college involved route work. He was trained by La Conquistadora who was a butch lesbian who was very good at what she did. She also took pains to educate DH about her prowess with females. She was especially proud of her "conversion" stories. These were straight women that she had shown the way to happy lesbianism. It was interesting to hear of the Harley riding La Conquistadora and when I met her, she wasn't quite as Butch as one might have expected.

But, La Conquistadora wasn't just about the stories. No, she was determined to show DH the results of her handiwork, so she made a lunch appointment with one of her conquests for her and DH to have lunch at this woman's house. DH went and had lunch. La Conquistadora told him all about how she had persuaded this woman to start dating her, the woman left her husband, and although she and La Conquistadora were not a couple, they were still good friends.

At the time I thought this was quite weird. DH was both fascinated and weirded out. In retrospect, I wonder if this wasn't a serious recruitment attempt of DH for fun and games. Thank God for DH's commitment to our relationship is all I can say looking back. DH changed jobs shortly after that.

Oh, the Things You Can Do With a Salami

We were living in the Bay Area by this time and DH was in managment. One of his sales people became a good friend of the family. George had originally moved to San Francisco from the East Coast because he thought he might be gay following the break up of his long time marriage. After unloading the U haul and settling down into a garden apartment in the Mission District, George ventured out onto the gay scene. He was quietly sitting in a gay bar, hoping to strike up a conversation, when a man in a superman suit jumped up on the bar and started dancing. Stuffed down the leg and strategically positioned was one of the long rolls of salami that can be bought in most Bay Area supermarkets.

George said he knew without a doubt that he was NOT gay after this incident. By the time we met him, he was a happy promiscuous lad with a rash . . . This being the Bay Area, we also met the lovely lady who gave him the rash . . . Ah, the eighties, so memorable for their excesses in every way: Joe Montana, Huey Lewis and big hair.

My Dearly Beloved Brother in Law the Later Years

After several years in a relationship with Cervantes, a bout with cancer, and a failed attempt to launch a career, BIL became obsessed with a new social movement and became a part of the childfree subculture. Yep, these are the people who basically demean breeders, those of us who reproduce. BIL and Cervantes were not interested in having a family of their own. As BIL put it in a letter to me, Gay men could not have children together (this was only twelve years ago and I was expecting my fourth child, baby song-my how times have changed). He was pretty darn nasty about the whole thing and asked not to be named our children's guardian. Yes, we card carrying Mormons had at one time named the weird gay uncle to be the financial guardian of our children with my Drama Mama as the guardian they would stay with. I digress, but as you might expect BIL and Drama Mama actually got along quite well.

Cervantes was the one bright light in all this. I think BIL was spiralling downward into the pits of despair. BIL was lucky to find him. To this day Cervantes is our friend and he and DH still correspond. Thankfully, Cervantes is a good counterpoint to what BIL was.

Conclusion

So these are the highlights of the baggage that I carry around even as a person who has been attracted to both sexes and these are the things that spark the fears I have as a parent of a child who will be going out shortly into the rainbow world of gaydom. Will he go for the Wacky Taffy or will he choose something more substantive? Let's get real it's scary for any parent's inner homophobe, even for one who is "something more than straight" and not from the most traditional LDS family origins.

The Wacky Taffy that Resulted in the Formation of my Inner Homophobe-Part 1

Let me preface this post by saying a few things: First, I do know wonderful LGBT people. Second, I think this is, in an odd way, part of my grieving process for my Drama Mama. And, Third, part of the reason why I'd rather see my kids not involved in some of this activity (including the heterosexual equivalents)-let's face it, it IS downright weird.

Drama Mama and her Scene

My earliest experiences in life were with my Drama Mama's family, her brothers, her mother and our landlord. The second phase of my life that I recall, included lots of wonderful activities with my little Sis, grandmother and Drama Mama's friend "Penny." Drama Mama met Penny in nursing school before she was kicked out and the two became best female friends forever until distance of four states separated them. When I see the two lesbians on Evolving Lesbian's blog banner, I always think of Drama Mama and Penny with Drama Mama being the voluptuous brunette and penny being the perky, shorter blonde tomboy.

I do not think that Drama Mama and Penny ever sexually experimented with their very close and endearing friendship, although modern observers might reach the conclusion they were lesbians. I also do not recall Penny ever drinking. Had Penny been a drinker, too, I am sure anything was possible. At any rate, Penny was the closest thing I ever had to a real Aunt and she was basically a good role model of an independent career woman (having completed her nursing degree and working all her life as an RN) with some common sense.

Penny was always heavy set, while Drama Mama could and did set most Men's teeth on edge physically and enjoyed doing so. The Betty Page hair cut would be a topic for another blog discussion I suppose. I recall overhearing two conversations between Drama Mama and Penny.

The first was regarding the size of the previous night's conquest's ***ahem***. Scratch another notch in the bedpost, girl. Penny wanted to know, but before Drama Mama would answer she noticed I was listening and asked me if I knew what that word was. I don't remember anymore of the conversation,and, I think I ran off into another room.

The second conversation occurred at least a year later and involved Penny and Drama Mama discussing a series of disturbing harassing phone calls Drama Mama was receiving from another woman who was making sexual overtures involving "rubber gloves and baby bumpers." Drama Mama was trying to figure out at which "party" she had met this person at and who she was. Even as a young child, remember I was well acquainted with Drama Mama's parade of Male visitor's and what they did with Drama Mama, even if I didn't understand it.

To give her a little credit, I think she had started to make a bigger effort not to conduct these activities at home when we were around (thus, we spent alot of time with my beloved Grandma). It was pretty clear to me that this caller wanted to have sex with my mother and was attempting to invite her to something really taboo. Drama Mama expressed her revulsion to this. I think this was my first exposure to the LGBT "community" so to speak and it apparently involved what we would call the leather segment of the community today.

Uncle Doc and his Mini-me

I think it was a few months later that we went to visit Drama Mama's younger brother, Doc, back home. His "roommate" was a little person (midget was the term Drama Mama and Doc used to describe him). I think his name was Dale and I remember that Dale had a really cool car with extended foot pedals. I remember Dale falling asleep at dinner and my uncle, Doc, rushing to catch him before he toppled from his stack of phone books onto the floor. I also remember Dale walking around in his briefs during this visit which really ticked Drama Mama off. Dale and Doc had porn all over the house and Drama Mama cautioned us several times not to pick any of it up.

I remember Drama Mama and Doc having a conversation where she asked him if he was in a relationship with Dale. Doc denied this but then picked up a thick sheaf of papers which was a report from a pyschiatrist he had been seeing and told Drama Mama that this report explained why he was the way he was and it was because of the family member that had exploited Grandma, Drama Mama and her brothers. However, Doc has always denied being sexually abused by this person and in later life claimed to be interested in women.

Two Lesbians, a Baby, a Few Dogs, Many Cats and a Racoon.

I inherited a house cleaning job from another Mia Maid and she told me she thought the clients were lesbians. I said what's that? She explained and I took the job and really didn't think a lot about it except how to wonder how they got the baby. I still don't know for sure if they were lesbians and this would be the time when people were still very closeted. They also left when I came to clean, which was a very good think because this was one of the three filthiest living environments I have ever seen. These two women were both RN's working in another city in nursing management at their institution. They never, ever did dishes. I did them once a week when I came in and I can assure you they did not eat out much. There were 3 or 4 dogs, and, as I recall, thirteen cats and a racoon. One of the women also had a son who was a toddler.

They maintained separate bedrooms, one of which the bed was always made. At the time, I assumed it was because that lady was cleaner. I now think it was because she never actually slept there, it was for show when they had guests or relatives. As you might have already deduced, when I did have an interaction with them they were weird. I had a conflict come up one day and couldn't call and they called and fired me. This did not bother me.

I was always rather creeped out by the idea that I could wind up in a hospital under the care of nursing staff with such utter lack of concern for basic hygiene. Despite whatever elso abnormalities in my growing up there may have been, my trailer trash people kept a clean house and I found the utter filth of the lesbians house hard to take. I now also understand that they were classic animal hoarders and that this in and of itself is a psychiatric problem.

Two Guys, Drag Queens and the Invitation to Turn a Trick or Two

One of the cities that I spent time in as a child was know for its Gay prostitution according to Drama Mama. Grandma lived there and I went to stay with her and work for a few months. Grandma lived right downtown in the pit of hell so to speak. I did find work in a fast food restaurant and took a brief trade school course during the day so I could get started in the world of work before starting school the next January in another state. Across the street from my restaurant was a bar called "Two Guys." Most of the clientele were just regular guys who most likely were gay. I do remember some rather aggressive hitting on my manager taking place by the manager of another famous restaurant in town. We had two regulars who were drag queens and prostitutes. The white guy was obviously male. However, his black companion seriously managed to elevate this to an art form and it was difficult to tell she wasn't female.

On several occassions another customer had offered me money for sex on the street. When I saw him with the drag queens one night, I realized that they were prostitutes and remembered what my Drama Mama had said, that a woman prostitute couldn't make it in that town because of the gay male prostitutes. Not that I was interested anyway in prostitution or any kind of sex work although I often wondered if one could successfully pull off escort work without getting sucked into prostitution and had concluded it was not possible.

Stay tuned for more Wacky Taffy tomorrow.

Choice Part 2: Bigger Pie

Another fundamental difference in how I experience sexuality, is that the discovery of my attraction to women (in my thirties) did not in any way diminish my attraction to men. The pie went from being baked in an 8 inch pie pan to a 10 inch pie pan. This was an addition not a transition or a denial of who I was fundamentally. There wasn't a feeling of loss, sadness, guilt or shame. It was just a very interesting new facet of who I am. Since I'm fully satisfied with the original pie, and to tell you the truth, well satiated, I don't feel the need to eat the rest of the pie, but it's definitely there. I'm now approaching twenty years of experience (and several unique incidents of attraction) without further expansion of the pie or reduction of the underlying attraction to men, I doubt that there will be further transition to a more gay state of being and I think the phrase "something more that straight" is a fairly apt description of me. I could choose to eat the other parts of my pie, but I don't for religious reasons.

Questions answered

I've decided to answer Abelard's questions.

How did you get to where you are today?

It's really hard to answer this question because it's so multi-faceted. Life happened. One day I realized that I was attracted to a member of the same sex. I felt no guilt. Period. No guilt. I remained attracted to the opposite sex too, including my marital partner. And others. And then others of the same sex. No guilt, no shame. Why should I?

I understood that I am a sexual person. I never felt the need to self-identify as bisexual, although I have on occasion expressed the thought that others might say I am bisexual. I often said I had no doubts but for my belief in the church that I could easily live and love with a member of the same sex. I am not a young person.

I found it much more difficult to deal with a child coming out who actually wanted to have overtly gay and bisexual relationships. The church's involvement in proposition 8 exacerbated these problems for me and my family. Please note, however, that I don't disagree with the Church and or other member's rights to engage lawfully in the political process.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

I wish that my loved ones were more firm in their testimonies. I am happy where I am with my testimony. I am happy with my sexuality and my sex life. I worry about my spouse's health and what living in old age will bring for us. I do still suffer post traumatic stress symptoms from a number of traumatic events in my life and regular stress from my challenging career. I take an anti-depressant, it helps me sleep and keeps the nightmares manageable.

I am both looking forward to and dreading the empty nest at the same time.

I feel blessed by the atonement and the promises of the endowment. I feel my savior's love. I fasted and prayed a lot for understanding, comfort, for my loved ones this past year. I had a great calling which caused me to really delve into the scriptures. I grew so much in my ability to love in faith. That has made all the difference in the world.

I discovered with gratitude that I don't have to bear all the burdens of this time (specifically the political chaos over gay marriage) and that I could in faith lay this burden at my Savior's feet. And I did.

So yes, I am overall very happy with where I am at now although fifteen months ago I was definitely very much in a crisis.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

I hope to have the opportunity to be of significant service to people in developing nations before I die.

I hope I am prepared to pass on to the other side of the veil fully qualified for all the blessings of the celestial kingdom.

I would like to accelerate my spiritual growth in the second half of my life.

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I failed, earlier in life, to understand that I was a child of God and just as good as anyone else in church. I learned, only recently, that there was so much more fulness of the gospel than I had been partaking of. I am now feasting.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Seek medical treatment where it is warranted and don't dismiss modern medications, there are many choices. Too many people are reluctant, embarassed or too prideful to admit that they might have a problem that is biological in origin.

Seek to deal with any post traumatic stress symptoms you may have.

Don't waste time looking for easy answers to difficult questions-there aren't any.

Don't engage in guilt where you have done nothing wrong.

Do fully partake of the opportunity to repent when you have sinned or wronged another.

Read the scriptures deeply to answer your own objections, learn to read in context of the times they were written in, pray and fast.

Cherish and develop friendships with both sexes within appropriate bounds. Become a person of warmth.

What advice do you have for family and friends?

Please be respectful of others sexuality. It is not fodder for humor or put downs. I especially do not like jokes about transpeople.

Testimonies are key, do everything you can to keep and grow yours.

Please choose to stay within the church even when you feel as though you are so different, the church is true and it is for everyone. The "details" such as they are can be sorted out in the millenium.

Entering the World of Moho Bloggers, Ever So Timidly

A certain amount of angst seems to power "moho" blogs, which I don't feel. Maybe more because I'm "mobi," or less because I have lived traditionally (not always entirely happily due to non-sexuality based problems) with a member of the opposite sex in a marital relationship for decades within the LDS Church (mormons). This blog is a response to original mohomie's remark that he just doesn't "see" people like me in the blogosphere. Well we exist and I'll try to find a thing or two to blog about occassionally.

What has created more than a little angst for me is the issue of gay marriage, I was well adapted to marriage as we then knew it and I still have some concerns about whether or not polygamy isn't next on the list of alternative marriage practices under the law and whether or not freedom of religion under the United States Constitution will somehow be compromised. More on these worries some other time. The other motivating angst has arisen from a child coming out. Wow, it's one thing to deal with your own issues and find peace, but quite another to find the same peace with a child threatening to careen recklessly around the the most salacious aspects of the "gay scene."

So there is some grist for the blog mill . . . all in due time.