Deborah's Story

As it happened the English actually arrived before the Dutch, so many English people and Europeans were contracted by the Dutch West India Company as well as Dutch from the Homeland. Our Deborah's father was a sea captain. I rather think he captained a small sloop that plied the inland rivers. He was born in England.

When he came to America he went to the Massachuesetts Bay Colony. At one time he was probably a company man, but the ability of the Dutch to manage their foreign territory was something less than Stellar. And, so we have Kit Davids embarking on his career of trading, rum and gun running, real estate investment and general rabble rousing. Having lost his first wife, who did appear to be actually Dutch, as well as subsequently mismanaging the first few of his children's inheritance after her death, he remarried. Of that marriage, more Davids children were produced including our Deborah.

As a side note, there are recorded instances of both Indian leaders and Dutch leaders begging Kit not to provide the Indians with liquor. One unfortunate incident resulted in the Indians murdering some of Kit's inlaws. There are also court records dealing with Kit beating and being beat by his servants. Kit was also known to pay fines and the like in beavers. Beavers were beaver skins. Because of his unique relationship with the Indians and his knowledge of the waterways, he was sent down river by the Dutch to request reinforcements. Curiously, he travels safely but the party of Dutch that escorts him to the river after talking to Stuyvesant are murdered on their way back but Kit escapes unscathed.

It is said that the Munsee Indians were the first Native Americans to partake of Alchol and I have no doubt that my ancestor was involved in making that first contact. The record demonstrates that they found him an ongoing source of firewater. This was the charming environment that Ms. Deborah was born into. Stuyvesant made it his business to try to clean things up, but I'm sure that great grandpa was out stirring things up as much as possible.

Deborah was married at the age of 14 to a 27 year old. The story goes that he wrote her a letter imploring her to come back and live with him but she would not, responding back by saying she was not in love with him, had never loved him and would not live with him. At 20 she had a child, but it was not with the man she was married to, although that child bore his name.

It would seem that the father of Deborah's son was the hard drinking Derek Wooden Legg who had lost his leg a year earlier when he shot himself in the leg while celebrating New Year's Eve in a tavern. Apparently, Derek had promised to marry Deborah, but then turned around and married someone else. Wooden Legg appears to be the community's nickname for him and family geneaologists believe they have identified his proper last name.

The Dutch permitted separation and there were only three known formal divorces during the years the colony was in existence. Deborah's was not one of them. There are other recorded instances of what would be considered bigamy and adultery. Some were accidental but most were just the locals coping with what was a next to non-functional government on the matters. Add to that that a recruiting trip to get a pastor from the old country is well recorded. One of the most notable illegitimacy paternity case involves a preacher's daughter who has a child with a married man.

Women were in demand in the colony and it wasn't long before Deborah "married" another man and promptly got down to reproducing like rabbits with him. Her first husband also "married" and had many children as well. She and her new husband, Derek, and her first husband all went to the same church. Their grandchildren and great-grandchildren all intermarried. So no hard feelings it seems one way or another except the bitterness that husband #1 still harbored at being rejected by Deborah and left Derek's child bearing his name a single schilling in his will.

What's the moral of the story? The more things change the more they stay the same?

Polynominal

In curiosity I sought out more information on a film that was on the festival circuit in 2005 called "Three's a Heart." It was a documentary about 2 gay men who invite a woman into their committed relationship to build a family with. As far as I can tell, no two of the three are still together now. This did bring me to the concept of trigonamy which is three committed individuals in an exclusive relationship. And reading more posts on both the logistics and the loneliness of polyamory (apparently for some and not for others). I'll let you do the search.

And let us not forget the 2009 Newsweek article on Polyamory.

My next blog post will be titled "Deborah's Story." This is a true story from the Song family archives dating back 400 years to New Amsterdan and involves a wooden leg, copious quantities of Native Americans and firewater, teenage marriage, adultery, lies, bigamy and a rascally sea captain. You gotta love the Dutch.

10 favs

1. My community. I currently live in a small town and I like it. I didn't at first because I had been living right in a gritty industrial town for several years which I loved. I wish there were more brown people of all kinds here, though.

2. My home. DH and I live in a home that is really reflective of us: Funky, artsy, slightly asian inspired, cowboy and vintage. Lots of gardens and a beautiful unique landscape.

3. A rich internal life. This was a defensive, protective mechanism at one time, but it has left me with an inner world that is highly satisfying.

4. Sex. It just keeps getting better . . .

5. Studying the Scriptures. Perhaps it is sacrireligous to say so, but like Sex, the more time I spend on them the better they get . . .

6. Dogs. Messy but good.

7. Motherhood. Hard but eternally gratifying.

8. NPR. My source for classical and experimental music . . .

9. Good Food. I like to prepare, eat and grow it.

10. Friends. This goes in part with community. One of the benefits of staying in one place is being able to become friends, collegues and acquaintances with others. I also appreciate the internet for allowing me to meet people I'd never know and to solidify my real life relationships. I also need to add my DH here, who is my best and oldest friend.

My update: the people I would tag are Clark, Sneakers in Sacrament, Slp, Konrad, Just us (both), Good to be Free (both), Ty's anatomy, and Scarlet's letters.

S.E.X. 2.0

In my first S.E.X. post I dealt with the unsolicited advice my Bishop gave to me and DH as a young married couple. In this post I shall deal with the advice that my teacher, an old married, female, Cherokee professor of one of this nation's earliest Native American Studies progams at the university, gave me. I took her class becuase it was the only thing I could work into my schedule. We became friends and because of her I have from time to time been able to bless people in and from Indian Country in my community and in my profession because of the understanding she gave me of a culture not my own.

Her name was Sarah.

One day Sarah explained to me, entirely unsolicited, that it is important for women to take care of business at home. And, that sometimes women can fall into the trap of not taking care of their man's needs. She explained that she felt this was an area her own mother had failed at, but that she personally had succeeded at in her marriage. So, I have tried to be true to that underlying message which is to attempt to satisfy your partner's sexual needs.

Now that I've entered the minefield, I'll try to get through it without getting blown up!

While this is not a uniquely LDS phenomenon, I think there are large numbers of sisters who don't take care of business at home. Drama Mama was not taking care of her business at home, although I can hardly blame her for not wanting wicked stepfather, he was a mistake and icky in so many ways. I suspect however there is another part of the story.

I also remember having this conversation with another sister about how she herself and many other LDS women just don't like sex. She explained that her husband was very tender and patient with her and she was progressing in that area. Which isn't to say that there aren't LDS sisters who really enjoy sex. This same sister's aunt is also a friend and related the story of her sex life.

When she and her husband were very young and had a house full of children they established a secret code. If her husband wanted sex that night, he would leave the lid to his lunchbox open, if not the lunchbox would be closed. This gave her lots of time to organize the rest of the evening and get prepared. Guess what?

This couple had sex nearly every night of their marriage. And not because she didn't want to or didn't enjoy it. Yes, there were times after childbirth or in fatique she didn't want to, but my impression was that she also believed in "taking care of business." This couple has always had modest financial means, had some difficult to raise children in their home and other challenges, but they had a million dollar sex life and marital relationship full of very sweet intimacy.

One day after decades of marriage a group of her coworkers were comparing notes about sexual activity in their marriages and although she was not participating in the conversation she was directly questioned. Yes, she did like sex. Then they asked how often. When she told them they were astounded. One man jumped up and said, I knew you were a "real woman!" whatever that means.

Now my point is not that couples should have sex every night. Nor is my point that anyone should be forced to have sex when they don't want to. Nor do I mean to belittle or blame persons who find their partners unattractive or conversely to blame spouses who have done everything they could to be physically attractive to their spouse and that there are underlying gulfs which cannot be crossed such as profound same sex attraction. My point IS that sometimes we do or don't do things to please our spouses. And there is a benefit to that.

There is a sexual/social contract when we intimately partner in marital and marital like relationships. I fear that in an era when we as a church spend a lot of time decrying the effects of pornography, adultery and other sexual sin, we do not fill intimacy vacuums created by not taking care of business in our marital relationships. I intend no offense and do not wish to be insensitive, but if the shoe fits wear it and consider leaving the lunchbox open tonight.

Also Known As

I was doing a little blogkeeping today and adding a few blogs that I been following. It occurs to me that I follow on most Moho blogs as Pleasant Valley although I also appear on some as Quiet Song. Which brings me to aliases.

First, I had a rage-aholic moment directed at deceased Drama Mama also known at one time as "Mrs. Browning." Until I told my younger sister just below me in age, none of my other sisters had known about the fake name she adopted when I was born. Crazy. Anyway, I thought about her today, it's the Memorial Day weekend and we are supposed to remember our dead and not practice the thing or two we are going to tell them when we meet again.

I've got things I want to say on this blog but that are just too much information, because someday Quiet Song is going to let more folks know just who she is, so I don't have all the freedom I might have to blog about those TMI topics. My daughter and husband have been invited to read, but I doubt that they read often. This blog is also about our family's journey in addition to mine, so that tempers what I write as well or who I share my non-virtual reality with. Which leads me to the question of who needs to know some of this stuff anyway?

Yesterday, I was listening to a rant from an older person suffering and I didn't even bother to tell him that I am one of those dreaded idiots who votes and lives differently than him. On the other side of the spectrum, I have recently been working professionally with several prominent members of the LGBT community in my state who consider their own LGBT status part of their resume. I wonder what biases and assumptions they have made toward me based on the outer more visible shell?

Would things change if they knew I was also known as Quiet Song? Or do they already intuitively know?

Quiet Song's Wishy Washy Kissy Hissy Fit

So I deleted my last two blogs because I thought they were way too personal. The first although dealing squarely with the truth seemed unkind. The second about Kissing and sex seemed too personal. What a mood I am in! So Changeable.

I think I shall do laundry now.

Daughter of a Polyamorist

Two days ago, MoHoinHawaii posted on his blog a link to a polyamorist mom's blog. I read it with interest, not only because that, I, too, am inclined towards polyamory by nature, but also because it occurs to me that both of my biological parents were polyamorists. Drama Mama had her proclivity for already married men. I may be technically incorrect on this matter, but I believe women who are in polygamous marriages but don't have sex with any one but the husband are still polygamists. My biological father sent Drama Mama roses on the day of my birth and attempted to stay in touch for several years. I briefly got to meet him when I was seven and he came to visit. Drama Mama was pretty sure he still wanted a relationship with her.

I heard Drama Mama tell Penny (her very close female friend) that my father had told her that he had children all over the United States and had finally undergone therapy for his "problem" but that nobody could fix him. He died before I could finally locate him. So was he a slut and womanizer or was he something more? This really wasn't a one night stand for him, but it being the sixties, Drama Mama wasn't quite entirely ready to be all the way out about her past, and, moreover, she did not want to be tied to this man. I have yet to ascertain whether he ever got a divorce from first wife or not. I know that when he died, he had been married to a woman for a very long time. So many questions and so few answers.

I will touch on these topics more at a later date. In today's society, it's more likely I would have known my biological father and been a part of his life depending on what the relationship was with his wife at the time. I cannot but help wonder if this way that a segment of the population has always chosen to love and colove had not been so taboo, if I would have had a better childhood than I did. And it would not be such a long road back to find out who I am ethnically and culturally. These are the facts of my existence. I am grateful to be alive, so I don't subscribe to the notion that things would have been better had I never been born.

For an interesting documentary made by the son of a polyamorist about his father, order the documentary My Architect from Netflix.