Goodbye Drama Mama

My mother couldn't leave the planet calmly and fired me and my sister over the weekend. We are both done on our end. No more energy or desire to keep trying with these people. So ends, 39 years of nearly constant familial torment from members of my so-called family of origin. Those that remain, deserve each other.

I am so thankful for my spouse and my children.

The Lord judge between thee and me.

Tired, oh so tired

It's been a week with too much sickness. My life has been touched by several diseases and illnesses this week. I'm not sick myself, just surrounded by suffering loved ones and others. Thankfully, the weekend is almost here.

Bravo, Mr. Wrathall!

Why this man's blog nourishes my soul several times a month-read his guest post at Mormon Matters .

I sat this political season's gay rights hullabaloo out. I'm just dying to make a comment on what happened, but it will blow my cover. We all sat it out at our house, pro, con and in between. Truth be told we are just exhausted with the subject.

Oh, and I took a confidential online survey for a trade survey which asked the responder to indicate whether he or she "openly" identifies as LGBT. This makes me wonder about the wording. Wouldn't you want to know the actual number of LGBT people and what they thought? Without the "openly indentify" language, I might have self identified, but then again probably not.

Or, is there a suggestion that the only LGBT attitude worthy to hear is that of outies? Forget the innies altogether, and God love those of us stuck somewhere in between. And, no I'm not talking belly buttons here.

Questions answered

I've decided to answer Abelard's questions.

How did you get to where you are today?

It's really hard to answer this question because it's so multi-faceted. Life happened. One day I realized that I was attracted to a member of the same sex. I felt no guilt. Period. No guilt. I remained attracted to the opposite sex too, including my marital partner. And others. And then others of the same sex. No guilt, no shame. Why should I?

I understood that I am a sexual person. I never felt the need to self-identify as bisexual, although I have on occasion expressed the thought that others might say I am bisexual. I often said I had no doubts but for my belief in the church that I could easily live and love with a member of the same sex. I am not a young person.

I found it much more difficult to deal with a child coming out who actually wanted to have overtly gay and bisexual relationships. The church's involvement in proposition 8 exacerbated these problems for me and my family. Please note, however, that I don't disagree with the Church and or other member's rights to engage lawfully in the political process.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

I wish that my loved ones were more firm in their testimonies. I am happy where I am with my testimony. I am happy with my sexuality and my sex life. I worry about my spouse's health and what living in old age will bring for us. I do still suffer post traumatic stress symptoms from a number of traumatic events in my life and regular stress from my challenging career. I take an anti-depressant, it helps me sleep and keeps the nightmares manageable.

I am both looking forward to and dreading the empty nest at the same time.

I feel blessed by the atonement and the promises of the endowment. I feel my savior's love. I fasted and prayed a lot for understanding, comfort, for my loved ones this past year. I had a great calling which caused me to really delve into the scriptures. I grew so much in my ability to love in faith. That has made all the difference in the world.

I discovered with gratitude that I don't have to bear all the burdens of this time (specifically the political chaos over gay marriage) and that I could in faith lay this burden at my Savior's feet. And I did.

So yes, I am overall very happy with where I am at now although fifteen months ago I was definitely very much in a crisis.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

I hope to have the opportunity to be of significant service to people in developing nations before I die.

I hope I am prepared to pass on to the other side of the veil fully qualified for all the blessings of the celestial kingdom.

I would like to accelerate my spiritual growth in the second half of my life.

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I failed, earlier in life, to understand that I was a child of God and just as good as anyone else in church. I learned, only recently, that there was so much more fulness of the gospel than I had been partaking of. I am now feasting.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Seek medical treatment where it is warranted and don't dismiss modern medications, there are many choices. Too many people are reluctant, embarassed or too prideful to admit that they might have a problem that is biological in origin.

Seek to deal with any post traumatic stress symptoms you may have.

Don't waste time looking for easy answers to difficult questions-there aren't any.

Don't engage in guilt where you have done nothing wrong.

Do fully partake of the opportunity to repent when you have sinned or wronged another.

Read the scriptures deeply to answer your own objections, learn to read in context of the times they were written in, pray and fast.

Cherish and develop friendships with both sexes within appropriate bounds. Become a person of warmth.

What advice do you have for family and friends?

Please be respectful of others sexuality. It is not fodder for humor or put downs. I especially do not like jokes about transpeople.

Testimonies are key, do everything you can to keep and grow yours.

Please choose to stay within the church even when you feel as though you are so different, the church is true and it is for everyone. The "details" such as they are can be sorted out in the millenium.

Suicides

So, I have a problem. My problem is that I don't really follow the speculative line of reasoning that blames the LDS church for the suicides on the "list." While it is certainly true that some individuals on the list left notes or otherwise indicated their "relationship" with the church was part of the reason they committed suicide, doesn't this whole issue really require a little more introspection and honesty?

For example, let's get real and acknowledge the extraordinarily high incidence of the use of guns in suicides. The list doesn't provide enough information to determine how each individual took their lives, but I suspect it would not shake out too differently from the national statistics showing that guns are the primary way men commit suicide. Secondly, let's consider the very sad problem of men, society and clinicians not properly diagnosing and treating depression appropriately. When we have 40 names on the list spanning a 50 year time frame and they are nearly all male, shouldn't that be a part of the discussion as well? Is grief and loss a factor? Sure it is just like in the rest of the population. What about co-morbidities, the list offers little information about drug, alcohol and non-depression psychiatric disorders?

The one co-morbidity that does make a little sense in the course of the conversation is post-traumatic stress disorder. People with PTSD from any source are at a much higher risk of depression and suicide. So if one could actually link diagnosable PTSD with clear incidents or patterns of discrimination you might be able to make this claim, but if we are going to list folks whose PTSD may have to do with other stressful events (I don't consider getting picked up for cruising in public places to be discrimination), let's not find causation where it doesn't exist.

For more information on suicide please see this fact sheet.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell and Look The Other Way

Unlike the "marriage" issue, I'm not at all conflicted about this policy-it is plain and simply, stupid. Some workplaces have lots of highly sexed and horny young people (others just have one oversexed old guy like the workplace at the David Letterman show) and it's up to the "adults" to keep them in line, but one type of sexual "activity" should not be condemned while others are winked at. Far better to require a higher standard of everyone and strive towards an environment of sexual safety and appropriateness for all.

Memo to all politicians and employers: Dump all the stupid look the other way policies while you are at it. Thank you for consideration in advance.

Porn -Wherein I Reveal Too Much

This post reflects a certain attitude within the church that the general authorities and other leaders positions on porn are too overstated. I wish I could agree with the author, but I can't. As a person who works in a helping occupation, I've seen the families and marriages destroyed by porn.

I've seen the poorly thought out myspace photo turned into child porn by unscrupulous lawyers. I've seen Judges, child protective services and others take a picture of a beautiful young sexy mother and turn her into a threat to her child, just because they are looking for an excuse and any excuse will do. I've seen a priesthood holder split hairs a la Bill Clinton and violate children spiritually in his own household via the use of pornography coupled with personal belongings of the child (perverted but not entirely criminal). I've seen the husband move on from the porn to another woman at the pain and financial expense of his partner. I've seen the wife who disposes of the husband because he no longers meets the cultural icons of porn as portrayed in multiple forms of media.

Elder Scott wisely reminded us of all the types of passion that interfere with the spirit. Political porn, (here and here) is almost as bad as sexual porn. I highly recommend Alec Baldwin's great essay on political porn. Gun porn has a lot to do with the availability and unfortunate use of weapons. Anger and the addictive lure of expressing righteous indignation also interferes with the spirit. I think he just might have a little more experience helping members with these issues than we want to admit.