Hooting Owl

Although, I am often up early and writing or reading online, there is such a thing as being up too early when you haven't slept well to begin with. I just realized i could hear hooting owls and lonesome trains as they pull through town blasting their electronic quasi-foghorn whistles. I read Samantha's blog often who also suffers from PTSD. The last few weeks, I've been off my anti-depressant and I had another terrible nightmare. Since they are usually truly chilling, this one wasn't as gory and murderous as the worst but who knows what is up on deck next, I think it is once again, time to admit that I still have my own PTSD issues. I definitely had triggering events yesterday and the insomnia that follows the nightmares is no fun either.

Three Strikes and They are Not Out . . .

and still the only one who thinks he might be gay. So the Kid is having second thoughts about going to the prom with Chaucer. But, wait, it is not what you might think. He is worried that Chaucer, like his other two "friends" might decide that he is straight after going out with the Kid. That would make three guys he basically convinced they were not gay after all-apparently not good for the young wanna be gay guy's self image.

Update on Two Guys and a Prom

The kid told me that Chaucer called the other day and that today they would hang out after church and figure out the details for the event. I was glad that Chaucer was still interested. As the kid mentioned the Constance McMillen case, I asked him if he thought that had anything to do with Chaucer, he said no, that the agreement to go was long before Constance McMillen became a news item. He said that he knew that if he went and petitioned the school board for permission to go it might stir up a little frenzy, but that he is certain that if he and Chaucer just went, no one will care.

Last year the Song family tuxedo went to prom on a woman with her same sex date. I knew that. But as I mentioned in the Truth is Stranger than fiction post, I had forgotten that Girl Song had also went to the winter formal with another girl. I told the kid about this. He did not remember. This was eleven years ago. The kid thinks just about anyone can take their same sex date to a prom without it necessarily being a federal case-although he did ask us about how we felt as you will recall from the earlier Two guys and a prom posts.

I asked him if gay kids he knew were surprised that being from a Mormon family this had been relatively painless for him to arrange with his parents knowledge. He just dismissed us as being "liberals." Nice, I guess. I don't feel as though it is quite that simple. You know his "kind of a Homo" Mom would actually, if given the chance, still select a girl for him to go to do high school dances with. Which is strange because, if someone asked me to arrange a marriage for him, I do not know which sex I would choose, because I now have some pretty big questions as to just what his sexuality is and whether or not he could maintain a mixed orientation marriage or same sex marriage with or without a testimony. One night is not eternity, although I am surely certain for a teenager a bad prom night can seem like eternity.

It Takes One to Know One or Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Recently, friend from my ward shared that their transperson child had said that I was the only person in the ward they could possibly talk to about the church and sexuality. I rather doubt that the friend has shared what they know about my own sexual anomalies with their child, but I wasn't at all surprised that a transperson could identify a commonality with me. At a later time, I'll blog about my early teenage desires to be male-I think it has a lot to do with societal expectations of beauty for women and with my fear I had then of domestic violence.

Sister Piss and Vinegar

No, I am not blogging about offensive, blasphemous, modern art. I'm blogging about the unkind, mouthy people that exist in some wards-a minority in my experience. The ward I met Sister Piss and Vinegar in was broken and saddled with literally 20-30 times the social problems that surrounding wards had. We got extra missionaries, but little other consideration of the special needs of our congregation from the institutional church. This was a time in my life where many things were not going well and I wound up living on the wrong side of the tracks so to speak. It's terrible when you are treated poorly just for the perception others may have of your poverty based on a mere address.

Sister Piss and Vinegar went out of her way to be unkind, most notably in terms of my calling, humble as it was, of scheduling the missionaries meals. Our bishop did not want the missionaries eating with the stalwart active families, he wanted them with the shut ins, the less fortunate, the part member families and others. Thus, I scheduled the meals with these folks, when a family couldn't afford the meal, I would cook or get other sisters to contribute and the missionaries would carry it over. Sister Piss and Vinegar just never did get over me taking away her weekly dinner from the missionaries and was quite vociferously nasty every opportunity she had.

The funny thing was, that after a while it no longer bothered me and I even began to feel a bit of tender mercy toward her constant ascerbic behavior. Towards the end of my tenure in that ward, her husband lost his employment and I could palpably feel her fear about that situation. And, surprisingly, I felt compassion for her. That was one of my turning points in dealing with offensive remarks by offensive people at church. I think it was a blessing of truly magnifying that calling to handle the missionary dinner calendar that has carried me a long way over the years.

However, lest you conclude I have deemed myself lifted above others, I shall forever refer to her as Sister Piss and Vinegar-unrepentantly.

More Truth is Stranger than Fiction from the Song Family

I'm back for a brief blog before hitting the road again. Thank God I bounce.

Grandchildren are a blast. I am now "Mumzy" which means that noncommittal on the grandparent name game DH is now by default "Popzy." Like it or not dear, here we come. Baby Bam Bam is so cute. And such a big boy.

While looking at Girl Song's photo albums, I realized that she went to winter formal with another girl. I now remember. Girl Song's date for winter formal just happens to be the tender subject of my "Will You Be Ready?" Post. I wasn't stressed out at the time, because never in my wildest dreams did I even contemplate one or the other could be gay. I have not told Questioning Song aka The Kid about this, although he may remember this on his own anyway.

Ok, so I've actually done this before, why on earth was I so weirded out by Two Guys and a Prom? It must be the potential for kissing and ooooh something more. Or just the Kid's flagrant, at times, obsession on occassion with things flaming.

Before leaving for distant shores DH and I had a conversation which he initiated wherein he explained to me that yes, it's true I'm really not much like other women and that fact is hammered home to him in all his work dealings. He likes this about me, but also finds it challenging in some ways. Then DH once again explains to me how he himself is rather lacking in so-called masculine traits such as "mechanical ability." I cannot begin to number the times he has proclaimed that he really has a female brain over the years. I hate this OGT stereotyping crap. Hold this thought and we will come back to this potential MOM squared (thank you Curies) line of reasoning DH was following.

Back at distant shores, Girl Song's friend picked me up from the airport. Girl Song later explained that said friend is a gay woman and having a terrible time meeting other gay women. Girl Song's friend is not LDS and really cannot stand gay bars. I worry for the Kid, because he hopes to meet someone during college to settle down with and have a whole passle of children with. I have read several Moho blogs where the authors bemoaned the difficulty of finding potential partners. This also led to a conversation about Number One Song, who is getting a little long in the tooth maritally speaking and what a great guy he is and why he can't get past first dates. From there we went to the topic of arranged marriages and ultimately concluded that gay or straight if parents had to make the choice the most risk free matter of handling the issue would be to find someone who already had a good track record, i.e. polygamy.

We also had a cute conversation with dear Son in Law (SIL) about why he married Girl Song, she was fun, interesting, unusual and he would have the opportunity to travel. SIL is by no means perfect (not LDS, smokes and drinks) but he is filled with common sense and genuine love for people and he treats Girl Song like the princess she is. Girl Song said he was the best man she ever met. And she knew a lot of LDS men of the card carrying type. I think THAT indicates a failure in how we LDS parents are raising our young LDS men.

My current staff is male, and I heard Elder asking Younger if he looked or acted gay, because elder had been asked for his phone number so many times by men. Younger assured him no, but I was quietly thinking about all the OGT's Elder does have even though I hate those stereotypes. Both Elder and Younger are straight. Yesterday, I asked Younger to take care of something at my home and The Kid had to send me a text telling me Younger was "Hot." Yes, so was Meatloaf in his own 80's rocker way.

When I shared with DH that The Kid was scamming on Younger, DH shared that Cervantes, deceased BIL's partner had invited DH to come alone to visit him in beautiful seaside community my head began to spin. Remember BIL thought DH was missing out on life having never been kissed by a man. DH assures me that he is still straight and will not be visiting Cervantes "alone." Apparently, DH is a little flattered by Cervantes offer. So no MOM squared marriage here after all, but . . . .

Weird enough yet? Oh, the brave new world, I am not ready for it.

Journeys to Distant Shores

I will be taking a blog break for about a month.

I'd like to quit blogging altogether. God Knows I have other things to do for an hour each day. But, I NEED this outlet.

I'm less conflicted than when I started, but still conflicted.

I'm still something more than straight but less than Gay and not thoroughly bisexual.

I'm still on the journey of a parent with a gay or questioning child.

My testimony is strong and I'm in a place of peace with things religious and all the seemingly irreconciliable differences that spring forth from that well.

I can't fix the world, nor would I even know how.

I made a good online friend, thanks slp.

I've endured a little bit of ribbing from my family members for blogging in this community of "hohos," "mormoes," and been asked by DH on at least one occasion, "How are your mormon fags today?"

So to all you hohos out there, I'll be back. . .Someday.