Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Surprised

So, it's been about one month since I made the decision to blog here. I have had several other blogs in the past, one that's currently semi-active (no pun intended), and I'm daily on facebook. I'm surprised how different this blog is. First, that I've posted as often as I have. And, secondly, that it has had so much spiritual content. As a pragmatist first and foremost, most days, it's been surprising to see mostly the sweetness of the spiritual part of my life spill out.

Sunday was great in everyway, especially partaking of the sacrament. Because of the sacrament, the atonement, and the opportunity to experience the blessings of the atonement after a week when I really felt the need to repent. My error was a small thing, a sin of the tongue and it's an ongoing problem. This was the first time I really took it to the Lord. As a practical matter, I don't expect it to be the last, but I hope it is a very long time or never before I falter again on this issue. But it's so sweet to experience repentance and the peace it brings.

So the odd thing about this blogging experience and being part of the moho blogosphere is that it is adding to the peace I already felt relative to my own attractions AND it is really helping me in dealing with the pain I have felt over my child's choices AND giving both me and the kid some much needed perspective from others.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Very Nice Things Indeed

After a rough week, my spouse person did something very nice for me this morning. A very simple act of kindness. I felt so loved.

Friends who I never thought would ever come to church, are now coming because their children want to go. They felt so loved in their adversities.

The wayward kid is getting happier and happier with the structure and diversion from the mists of . . . darkness is an appropriate metaphor. The kid is acting with love.

Tender Mercies each and every one.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Not in an Identity Crisis

So, I'm feeling a little frustrated due to the fact that since decided to ever so slightly "identify" as being a "person" attracted to both sexes, that I seem to be "sexualizing" everybody. I liked it better when I was simply "sexual." I also don't like the possibility of weirding people out, I find I can't be as physically warm as before. That is a real loss, but perhaps more reserve is called for anyway.

Which is not to say much one way or the other, because I'm pretty much physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained at the moment. My erstwhile stable routine that allowed for a beautiful daily prayer experience has been capsized and I'm now on the prayer equivalent of a fast food diet. And, really not feeling "sexual" at all and wanting that special time I used to have with my Heavenly Father and my elder brother.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

That Rather Odd Happiness Thing

Funny how after the parent imposes both consequences and chastisement, the child is happier. What a coincidence. Some principles are eternal, are they not? Now if the sick would only pick up their bed and come to Christ, we'd have it made, at least for a little while anyway.

This little real life vignette is brought to you from the trials and perils of my family life, the characters are not fictional and my dear readers should not fret that I am passing judgment on any one or gloating, or engaging in any other untoward behavior. Just making an observation.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Desperately seeking safety

Lately, I've found myself wondering about the quality of decisions I made earlier in life and I cannot decide whether or not I would have been able to make other choices. I was not safe as a child or a teenager, but usually not because of my own choices. In retrospect, I tried hard to make safer choices, but they didn't always work out entirely as planned. Imagine that, a person's best laid plans don't work out!

Safety is a rather elusive commodity that is subject to the demand curve and our human foibles. And the human foibles of others. It's perplexing to me, a safety seeker, the existence of the human inclination towards risk taking. And, it is the most frustrating thing about raising teenagers and watching my young adult children move on with their lives. No risk equals little or no growth. Too much risky behavior equals little or no growth, damage or even destruction.

Finally, I've managed to carve out what feels like a much higher level of safety physically, financially, and emotionally. But I don't feel safe spiritually. I feel surrounded and alone too often. Reading this I know what the answers are to remedy this void of spiritual safety, yet I've let the expediencies of the moment control.

Scriptural role models abound. Moroni moves me the most because he was so physically alone and clearly at times felt spiritually alone. And, he was not safe physically. I love the change in his perspective as he writes and fulfills his calling. It becomes ever clearer that even though he is alone in an unsafe environment, he has found spiritual safety and was not spiritually alone.

I want the same.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

Recently, I've dealt more with anxiety than I care to. There are many reasons for this, but I worry for my children, especially the one dealing with a same sex attraction. I wish my child would read posts like this one by Charles Mitchell, but if a parent's experience in living with an opposite sex spouse for a very long time and somehow managing to carry on in the relationship despite many more overwhelming problems than same sex attraction, isn't enough, what is?

Every so often I have to admit, that I cannot solve every problem or find the just the right persuasive words to soften hearts and change actions. When I finally admit that I can't do it without help and that the sadness at watching a dear child make bad choices is overwhelming, that's when I remember the promises of the Savior to those who come to him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I cherish the great blessing of peace when I acknowledge his sacrifice and knowledge of my pain and the comforter sends peace which courses through my soul and lifts my burdens.

I was very touched by Charles Mitchell's open letter to struggles in the blog post link above for a number of reasons ranging from his experience receiving his patriarchial blessing (I also had a line in my patriarchial blessing which I felt and still feel directly addressed my same sex attractions) to the wonderful testimony of successfully living within the bounds the Lord has set for our marital and familial relations.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Entering the World of Moho Bloggers, Ever So Timidly

A certain amount of angst seems to power "moho" blogs, which I don't feel. Maybe more because I'm "mobi," or less because I have lived traditionally (not always entirely happily due to non-sexuality based problems) with a member of the opposite sex in a marital relationship for decades within the LDS Church (mormons). This blog is a response to original mohomie's remark that he just doesn't "see" people like me in the blogosphere. Well we exist and I'll try to find a thing or two to blog about occassionally.

What has created more than a little angst for me is the issue of gay marriage, I was well adapted to marriage as we then knew it and I still have some concerns about whether or not polygamy isn't next on the list of alternative marriage practices under the law and whether or not freedom of religion under the United States Constitution will somehow be compromised. More on these worries some other time. The other motivating angst has arisen from a child coming out. Wow, it's one thing to deal with your own issues and find peace, but quite another to find the same peace with a child threatening to careen recklessly around the the most salacious aspects of the "gay scene."

So there is some grist for the blog mill . . . all in due time.