Choice

Despite or should I say in spite of Questioning Song's remarks from last night's FHE, I really don't think I experience sexualtiy in a "Homo" way. But it's also very clear to me that I experience something more than "Straight" sexuality, whatever we are going to call that.

The way I experience sexuality would actually support the "homosexuality is a choice" line of thought. At this point, I've heard (well read) over and over that others do not see their sexuality as a choice. My brother in law was like me and when he finally experienced sexual attraction, he experienced it to both sexes, but later clearly felt a preference for men. On the other hand, my friend John had lived with and loved a man for over ten years but was willing to consider marriage to a woman. So my closest real life contacts who had actually lived their lives with substantial amounts of homosexual conduct did not speak so very forcefully against the choice idea as they might have. So given this place I find myself in, I really don't find the argument that homosexual conduct is a choice distressing.

Given how I progressed to this point, I actually wonder if many, many more people experience their sexuality in the same way I do, with quite a bit of fluidity. Could this be why so many people are continue to argue that homosexuality is a choice? Because this is the way great numbers of people actually experience their sexuality? And, this raises its own set of questions again as to how I should deal with Questioning Song and his sexuality which may be quite different than mine in the long run.

Then I look back on this long marriage and I find myself saying well what about this, and when that happened remember how I lonely I felt, and why, and how, how rigid is that, or I would like it this way, and I can't help but wonder how many issues partners in mixed orientation marriages would have had anyway even if both parties were straight? And, yes, we can constrict this to the purely sexual arena and I still find those questions arising for me. I have been through so much and so has DH that other people find indicative as problems arising out of one partner's sexuality and it's just not computing that way for me. Long term marriages have varying phases with differing levels of intimacy.

S. E. X.

As a young married couple, a bishop gave us some unsolicited advice which I thought was silly at the time. He suggested that we pray over our sexual relations, that they would be satisfying and enhancing of our relationship. Being young and arrogant, I told him that we didn't need any help in that department. In retrospect, I realize how very little I knew about sex and life in general.

It WAS good advice and over the years I have had cause to remember and on occasion take questions to Heavenly Father, study the scriptures, and had silent moments of prayer on the issue. All to an ever increasing understanding of physical intimacy in marriage. It waxes and it wanes, yet practice does make perfect. However, the vicissitudes of life also play a role and many, many factors affect our abilities and interest levels at any given time.

There have been a number of posts in the MOHO blogosphere of late that have provoked this line of thinking for me and I only wish that it was appropriate for me to say more, but it's not. And just to underline the point here, I'm not talking about guilt or repentance, I'm talking about taking your most tender yet sexual desires to the Lord and asking him how best to exercise those in your relationship with your beloved in whatever circumstance you then find yourself in.

Not Conflicted . . . and Not in Hiding (or marriage Part 2)

Now for the rest of the story-marriage within the church. I consider my marriage to be a non-conforming marriage within the church. What do I mean by that? I would define a conforming marriage as the Mormon ideal, married in the temple for time and eternity with both parties striving diligently, retaining their testimonies, and by all outward appearances headed straight to the celestial kingdom.

Here is my partial list of non-conforming Mormon Marriages as I've noted from my experience at church or online:

• Married, both parties LDS and in good standing, but not in the temple for time and eternity.
• Married, both parties LDS, one in good standing, one not or disaffected, could be either a temple marriage or a civil marriage.
• Married, both parties LDS, both not in good standing or disaffected, could be either a temple marriage or a civil marriage.
• Married, both parties LDS, both in good standing, wife previously sealed to another person in the temple and ineligible or doesn't desire sealing to present husband.
• Married, one party LDS, one a non-member.
• Married, one party LDS, one an excommunicated member not disaffected from the church.
• Married, one party LDS, one an excommunicated or resigned member who is disaffected from the church
• Divorced, not currently married, but still sealed to previous spouse
• Married, previously divorced, both parties still sealed to previous spouse and not to each other
• Married to a same sex partner, not in good standing but attends regularly and not disaffected.
• Widowed, in any applicable configuration above.

Any sealing or temple marriage without the holy spirit of promise could also be nonconforming but would not be easily ascertainable by earthly means and may not even be something the parties are cognizant of in this lifetime.

Now add to that the fact that I am the product of that wider set of human interactions that produce children than what is contemplated above and can never in this life be sealed to the parent I want to be without being sealed to someone I don't want to be sealed to. I am endowed though, and, technically, I still have children who are sealed to me. But if one is keeping score based on the current inning and how the kids play the game, if I'm going to the celestial kingdom at all, I'm probably going alone or with part of my kids and part of my sibs and not to the highest glory.

While this is not optimal, it's beyond my control. And, because of the beauty of the atonement and the peace that comes with prayer, scripture study and concerted efforts to live the commandments both outwardly and inwardly, I feel joy and I'm not conflicted, ashamed, embarrased or feeling diminished in anyway about the character of my non-conforming "mormon" family situation as it is currently constituted. The gospel is for everyone, including me and my cup runneth over when I ponder both the current blessings I have received and the future blessings I will receive even as a lone person in the Celestial Kingdom.

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

Recently, I've dealt more with anxiety than I care to. There are many reasons for this, but I worry for my children, especially the one dealing with a same sex attraction. I wish my child would read posts like this one by Charles Mitchell, but if a parent's experience in living with an opposite sex spouse for a very long time and somehow managing to carry on in the relationship despite many more overwhelming problems than same sex attraction, isn't enough, what is?

Every so often I have to admit, that I cannot solve every problem or find the just the right persuasive words to soften hearts and change actions. When I finally admit that I can't do it without help and that the sadness at watching a dear child make bad choices is overwhelming, that's when I remember the promises of the Savior to those who come to him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I cherish the great blessing of peace when I acknowledge his sacrifice and knowledge of my pain and the comforter sends peace which courses through my soul and lifts my burdens.

I was very touched by Charles Mitchell's open letter to struggles in the blog post link above for a number of reasons ranging from his experience receiving his patriarchial blessing (I also had a line in my patriarchial blessing which I felt and still feel directly addressed my same sex attractions) to the wonderful testimony of successfully living within the bounds the Lord has set for our marital and familial relations.