Saturday, May 8, 2010

Maleness of Being

When dealing with wicked stepfather as a young teenager I often wished I were a boy because: 1) Maybe he would stop making his quasi-sexual advances, and 2)I could possibly be larger and stronger than him ultimately and make him pay for his verbal and emotional abuse against all the other women in the household.

At the time, I didn't want to acknowledge Drama Mama's role in all this misogyny, but I've since had to process that. As a pre-adolescent, I always felt insecure and awkward in my very tall relatively boyish body. I can remember thinking how much easier it would just be to be a boy since I was bigger than most of the boys anyway. Eventually, about a little over half the boys surpassed me in height. I still carried my awkwardness about my early height well into adulthood and wanted to be petite not slightly above average height for a woman.

In the early eighties Grace Jones came on the scene. I loved her short hair cut. I cut my hair this way and received so many compliments. During the time I wore my hair that way, and all the previous times, I'd often thought I'd make a more attractive man than I did a woman. DH did not like my hair so short because he felt like he was having sex with a man.

Thereafter, I wore my hair longer to please him. In the last decade, I've worn it very long to please me.

My body before it was injured to the point where regular weight bearing exercise is difficult, was sometimes mistaken for a man's from the rear. My shoulders and arms muscled up to sizes many men would be happy to have with the heavy work I was doing at the time. I wasn't offended by then and was very happy with my femaleness of being, especially motherhood.

I'm content being of the female gender, emotionally and physiologically. I've resolved my feelings of inadequacy regarding my gender that society imposed on my body shape, size and my own kind of beauty. I also know that being a boy may not have changed the relationship much at all with bullies, but that wicked stepfather may not have married Drama Mama but for the easy access to prepubescent females. But, if not him, then she might have found one who wanted prepubescent males and I would have been exactly in the same situaiton.

Nevertheless, I remember what it was like to question ever so slightly if God might have gotten something a little out of kilter when he sent me here to earth as a woman. Now I just think society and media culture was out of kilter.

6 comments:

  1. Very interesting, and it's great to hear you've come to terms with a lot of things. I appreciate your perspective about how things might have been if you had your "wish" rather than falling into thinking life would have magically been neat and tidy if that one (significant) thing in your life were different. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. You are a stellar human being, QS. I am sorry you have had to deal with so many hard things in life. I did not know you had been injured. And, your step-father, well, I would like to dress in black and go take care of that guy.

    Happy night!

    Love and respect, always.

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  3. QS, I just wanted to wish you a happy Mother's day. I know your mom passed away recently. I do not know the particulars of your shared relationship. But, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hope that you have peace regarding her.

    Happy day!

    Love and respect, always.

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  4. QS, you have been a good friend to me. I would love to send you a print of one of my photographs for your office or home. You are more than welcome to choose something that is posted (on my photography site) or, if you would trust me, I would pick one and send to you. Please let me know if this is something you would feel comfortable receiving, and if so, to where I could send it.

    It is late- I am having trouble getting to sleep tonight. Not sure why because I am tired. Hope it happens soon!

    Happy night!

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  5. Slp, thank you so much. I would be honored to have one of your photos in my life. I'll be in touch offline. I too, as I have said before, have enjoyed our online friendship. Thanks for the Mother's day wishes. I had a very pleasant Mother's day with no sorrow or angst. There were wonderful talks in Church about independent, free thinking Moms, Women as daughters of God, and acknowledgment by the sole mature woman on the program of what a mixed bag both Motherhood and Mother's day can be for us ladies. My teeny, tiny ward is remarkable for its diversity of thought. I hope that Mother's day went well for you as well.

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  6. Thank you also Original Mohomie. You were my inspiration to blog and I'm very glad you are still blogging.

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