A Schoolgirl's Pedigree

Drama Mama always resented that her mother never had more education. Grandma lamented that she never had more education. She was born in 1909 into the household of a man who farmed for shares. Her parents were "Dunkers" at one time. Religious folk who worked hard and didn't see education as practical. You had to pay for books back then and help with the upkeep of the teacher.

Grandma finished eighth grade, but then came home to help with a younger sister who was disabled and to assist a mother who had used a cane as long as she could remember. Grandma told me she had more schooling than any other child in her very large family, but that she really wanted to become a school teacher, but her father would not pay for more education.

Please understand that in this day, most country schools only went to eighth grade anyway. If a community was lucky the teacher might have enough training beyond the first level teaching certificate to teach part of the high school curriculum. I haven't went back to research what the opportunities were in Grandma's community, but I know that where I live now, some of the early school teachers had to ride long distances horseback, take a train and board with other people, or drive quite a way (which wasn't always too easy in the snow with an early vintage automobile) to get that "advanced" education.

When Grandma was eighteen she met two Soldiers. One swept her off her feet and she agreed to marry him. His friend tried to warn her that his buddy was already married, but she dismissed him as being jealous. Her husband moved her to another city and their first year of marriage was happy. One day he never came home. She heard he had transferred to Texas. When I was interviewing her as an old lady she still didn't want to talk much about the specifics.

I do not know how she got home, but she did. She began taking in laundry and would do laundry for the single men of the community. When she was 25 she was able to get her divorce from the soldier. Some time after that she became pregnant. Very shortly after that she married my grandfather who was forty years older than her. I do not know if he was the father of her first child, but I think he was.

When I asked her about this she said, "How else was I ever going to have a home of my own." I'll let you, dear reader, draw your own conclusions as to what may have transpired between these two. This would still be the era when married women could not teach school, so it's unlikely that even if she had had a teaching certificate, that it would have helped her much as far as finding employment. I do not know how divorced women faired in finding teaching positions in those days.

Grandma, truth be told was not entirely happy in this 7 year marriage, but at least she had her family that she so desired. Her husband was crippled from a work injury, pretty hard to get along with, and did not like the second child who was a daughter,Drama Mama. Things got really hard after he died and they became truly terrible for Drama Mama.

Grandma did the best she could but people and the community were not easy on her. There was a series of unfortunate events which result in the exploitation of her and her children by another family member for financial gain. This person also used this opportunity to sexually exploit Drama Mama. The four of them did eventually escape and with the two oldest teenager's earnings from their jobs were able to make their own way. Drama Mama resented it very much when her older brother joined the military and wasn't at home to help anymore.

Grandma was insistent that Drama Mama go to college and forced her rebellious teenage daughter to apply for scholarships. Drama Mama was already dating married men and going to roadhouses by this time as well as working, going to high school, and as I recall, playing high school basketball. I suppose much to Drama Mama's surprise, she received a full ride scholarship to a catholic nursing school. I think Drama Mama's older brother graduated high school but the younger one did not.

I do not know how long Drama Mama went to nursing school before being asked to leave. I've blogged about all the reasons that might have triggered that request. After, several stints waitressing and bartending, Drama Mama did take a secretarial course. She "augmented" her secretarial work with different kinds of moonlighting ranging from barmaid work to numerous sexual trysts where men would buy her clothing and take her on interesting trips. She was always very clear she wasn't a prostitute, you know, doing "it" for money. In kind was fine, though.

I think my readers will agree that it is truly miraculous that Drama Mama finally met a Mormon serviceman in a bar, who she thought was kind of cute and went home to sleep with that night. For whatever crazy reason, he took her and us kids to church the next day. We spent a lot of time with him over the next two weeks. He shipped off to Germany and he was gone. She told one of the card carrying mormon guys at work, who had been very carefully avoiding her, that she'd gone to the mormon church for the last few weeks. This fine gentleman arranged for Drama Mama and I to take the lessons and the rest is history as they say.

After joining the church and becoming a very skilled geneaologist, Drama Mama began to lament her peoples lack of respect for education. It's quite odd that she never acknowledged her own failures in this department or understood just how much Grandma did to try to set her on the right path or how Grandma's education was at least average if not greater for her time. Drama Mama had discovered that one of Grandma's male second cousins had done quite well for himself and risen to a high governmental position. She was very jealous of his education and blamed her grandparents for their lack of commitment to education.

As it turned out, I became the first member of my family on Drama Mama's side to graduate from college. I remember trying to convince Drama Mama to take an IT degree tailored expressly for reentry women from a state institution when she divorced from wicked stepfather, but she refused. Eventually she did get a bachelor's degree from a college which later closed its doors. This didn't help her much without a trade certification which she started to acquire and then gave up on.

Of my four female siblings, the three of us who were most committed to living an LDS lifestyle are the ones who also solidly maintained progress on our educations. One of us has a trade and has never stopped working in the trade. One of us is on the Mormon mommy track. And I have had the opportunity or curse depending on your outlook to combine all three and a graduate degree.

The two who have the most difficulty living the gospel are the two who, like Drama Mama, squandered the most educational opportunities. One was accepted to five major universities with partial scholarships and instead chose a prolonged period of riotous living. The other could not apply herself and gave up her athletic scholarship and married soon afterwards and stayed home for a while. Both of these women ultimately found a suitable trade and both are now working on associates degrees in their thirties.

Girl Song, my daughter, was also rebellious, but in a hyper religious way. He path to education was quite convoluted but she kept at it. Her straying from the church also correspondended with straying from education, a series of unhealthy work situations and even a brief stint of homelessness. She has gotten back on track with education and will soon have a graduate degree.

My point in all this is that if you look at this family's experience, it has not been religion that caused our women to deviate from the educational track it has been something else. If anything, our association with the LDS church has actually helped those of us who have the most education attain that education in a relatively short time frame. So, when I read that the Church keeps women from having career and educational attainment, I wonder where does this come from? Certainly, that hasn't been the experience in this family. In fact, strong commitment to the ideals and involvement with the Church seems to be a strong indicator for educational success.

Straight Talk to Consider for LDS Women: "Princess?"

It's no secret that I have a problem with Drama Queens, women who blame the church for their problems and persons, in general, who do not wish to be accountable for their own choices. I blogged about my admiration for Queen Elizabeth II and what a solid role model for mature, yes even LDS, womanhood she is. So I'd like to consider the following points from "You are not a princess 25 points for women and men to consider":

My responses are in Italics

1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.

We are all sons and daughters of a King (and Queen, don't forget), remember the golden rule and the first commandment. The hardest place to apply this principle is in personal relationships. But if you find yourself falling into expectations wherein you think you deserve more because you are female-think about it. Please.

2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.

I agree, along with the caveat of we are all special. When a male does show a woman traditional grace notes of opening doors, speaking kindly, please reciprocate with the traditionally appropriate thank you and other arts of graceful living.

3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?

It is great fortune when a person finds the love of their life. But some partners are more blessed when others because the reality is that few relationships are 50/50 all the time, and there are ebbs and flows. It's nice to be evenly yoked but most marriages, partnerships and relationships are not that way. But it's probably better in many cases than pulling alone and when its not, well perhaps its time to go your own way.

4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.

I've seen some terrible stuff along these lines from women, but men also do the same to women and some partners do this to each other. I don't think this is a uniquely princess failure.

5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all bitches” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable.

I agree, but note that we as LDS people probably exercise more caution in these relationships outside of the current marriage, partnership or relationship. On the other hand, we of all people, should be best equipped to have solid friendships with others including our ex's due to the twin principles of repentence and forgiveness. Note that I said "should" sometimes its just not humanly possible.


6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.

Well, this is an interesting argument for a Moho blog isn't it? I will agree that the optimum configuration for a family IS a mother and a father. The proclamation for the family also supports this family configuration. The question arises when a traditional (mother/father) family breaks up who is the better parent? It's not really relevant legally, because the law looks at what's best for the child. And, when you use that as your defining calculus, things change significantly. As a society we no longer dispose of fathers. Period. Because they are important to children. So is anyone who is important in the life of a child, both same sex parents, stepparents(I've seen it) and biological parent's exes.

7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”

Exactly.

8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.

This brings up the question of the disposable LDS husband who is dumped because he is not a good provider through no fault of his own. Quite frankly, I've seen this way too many times. You may not have wanted to work, but if your husband is underemployed but diligent, stalwart and doing other things he needs to do, this is not a basis for destroying a family. Yes, my dear, you do need to seek employment or be willing to give up the second car and the scrapbooking hobby.

During times of prolonged unemployment as in the current he-cession will you support him by going out and getting a job of your own, taking a second or third job (as he would have) or will you fall back on the notion that it is not your role as an LDS woman because you have children?

If he's hurt, injured, mentally ill or just left behind by the workforce, will you pick up the slack with a cheerful heart?

9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.

10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.

11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.

This is that strange place of bifurcation within the LDS church where women are placed on a pedestal due to their roles as mothers and men as their roles as priesthood bearers. Is one really better than the other and if you could see the dichotomy as equal dignity and respect how would that change things? I can see LDS feminists rewriting this statement as "You are not a better human being by virtue of being a man, . . . "

12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis.

It's also a lie and manipulation to say that you really wanted to stay home but couldn't afford to when you are working to afford a home that the majority of the inhabitants of the world would call a mansion.

It's a further lie and manipulations to say that you didn't pursue employment or educational opportunities because of your spouse, kids or the LDS church's stance on women working. These were your choices as many, many, many LDS women's careers now demonstrate.

Please do be grateful for the hard work of your spouse or partner when you have been able to have the luxury of staying home. This is particularly true if you have had the remarkable opportunity to care for your own children in their own home. This is something I wish I could desperately give my husband and baby song next year when he is the remaining child in our home, but I cannot. We have a situation where this would be the optimum for the three of us. I appreciate the handful of times I've been able to do it and my husband went off to work without ever complaining and has been unemployed less than .25% of the time we have been married. He is remarkable for that fact alone.

13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.

14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, his obligations to you should also be finished.

This depends on the circumstances and the laws where you live. Sometimes Women are required to support an ex after a divorce as well. But, while I cannot agree with this as a blanket statement, yes, part of being accountable is realizing that things change and usually not for the better after a divorce in terms of finances. Divorce and Bankruptcy tend to go hand in hand.

15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.

Cruelly stated but true.

16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.

Unfortunately, this assumes that only women play this game, but men do too. Respect of boundaries for both parties is also important-remember its possible to force your partner. Also, low libido and sexless relationships are, interestingly, not the sole province of opposite sex marriages, partnerships and relationships.

17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.

18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.

See my comments under #14.

19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.

YES.

20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.

I would add stalking under this category which can also occur within a marriage I've posted a you tube video also originally spotted by Dr. Tara who wrote these 25 points. This video has PG-13 language, but it is very typical of female stalking of husbands, partners and exes.



21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.

The same is true with certain male sterotypical behaviors as well. I would cut some slack on the crying though, we do a lot of that, both male and female in this culture.

I think we probably as an entire culture and I'm speaking of the complete overculture here need to do a better job at helping our people function emotionally.

22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.

I would add that the converse is true as well, but a little less frequent in occurrence. Also you could substitute elderly parents and minor children for husband/boyfriend here as well.

23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.

24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.

This aggravates me to no end when I experience this in my professional life. It is particularly annoying because so many women are actually victimized. Those that choose to lie about abuse make a mockery of the suffering of their sisters.

25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.

Wow. I don't even want to touch 25 in terms of an LDS MOM marriage. But, yes I have to agree with the basis of this statement. And, I also have to state that it is not rational to expect no divergence, no change and no faults in a partner. It pretty much is an uncertain journey.