Now and Then

I am coming back from a far place and I hope I get to continue going where I want to go for a very long time.   I am told there is a need for an update.  Things are much more good than bad.  This is not an easy time, but it sure beats the alternatives.  When you know you still have things to learn in life, it's good, but there are times you wish that you had received a longer period of time to bask in the light of previous positives. 

I don't do much with the online moho world anymore except to read John G-W's and Mitch Mayne's blogs.  Judging from the new and improved Moho Directory, many of the bloggers that were my inspiration and or contemporaries, have also more or less went silent.  I myself am no longer listed, which is probably as it should be, given my mostly straight status. 

I debated taking my blog down, but have decided to just leave it available.  There is a lot of my experience finding resolution, hope and self that I think is useful.  I think my experiences as the parent of a gay teenager are also useful, hopefully.  There is much more I could write about, but the time is not right.  Perhaps later.

I have really enjoyed the Far Between videos and I'm looking forward to the documentary. 

Singing as I go along the way,

Quiet Song

The News from Around Here

First, I am ok.

Second, I am fighting a particularly nasty version of breast cancer. Repeating, I am ok and really blessed to be spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared for this some time ago.

Third, family friend and E are getting married in a couple of weeks.

Fourth, DH had a hard time dealing with my quasi-publicly stating that I was bisexual. I probably still am best described as a heterosexual with noticeable homosexual inclinations, but try to explain that to someone and watch their eyes glaze over. Due to DH's difficulty with the word, I'm back in the closet with b-word until he works through his issues with it.

Fifth, I have had conversations with one of the princesses, which is the opening to a reconciliation and potential healing for our family, but it is a long road to travel.

Sixth, all the little songs are still singing mostly on key which makes me very happy, not always in my same spiritual genre, but often enough where a joyous sound is raised. DH and I are a happy non-traditional LDS couple and he has been atending with me, participating in classes, but is a relatively out non-testimony saint. We are ok with this.

Seventh, I am now supporting marriage equality in my state and do not at all feel conflicted anymore. What a hard road we all went down to get to this place. More and more of my fellow saints are simply saying yes, it is time.

Eight, Merry Christmas to one and all.

Welcome Frodo of the Shire . . . One who has seen the eye.

Dear Frodo,

We active moms of inactive gay guys spoke knowingly to our selves without speaking plainly the obvious when we heard you talk in Sacrament meeting. We shared knowing glances. We are so thrilled that you feel the love of our Ward and that you are with our extended Ward family! As another ring bearer (having a non-standard issue sexuality) we have something in common, too.

Perhaps some day we may verbalize these things aloud.

Yours Truly,

Quiet Song

"Don't Worry You are Kin-Part 2"

Wherein Quiet Song shares Tender Mercies of the Lord and Pearls of Great Price.

As I have previously posted, I have the opportunity to teach at Church. And, recently I had the opportunity to teach Malachi 4:6: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to the fathers, lest I come to smite the earth with a curse.

This engendered (no pun intended) a lively discussion on temple work and geneaology and the work of the temples in the millenium.

Yes, it is true we have lively, out of the box discussions in the class derived from the fabulous questions and lesson plans in the correlated church curriculum. Quiet Song simply does not understand the criticisms against these materials, but like everything else you get out of a resource what you put into it. Her Bishop has given her a nice compliment about being able to teach people powerfully while not presenting the gospel in a series of neat little boxes which she is not entirely comfortable with receiving said compliment, but ok then its true, she has never lived in the series of neat little boxes so why wouldn't she teach the same way???

I cannot recall exactly what I said, but I revealed that there were reasons I could not be sealed to my parents and it looked like there was a pretty good chance if I was going to the Celestial Kingdom it would be alone or nearly alone. There are a number of Bona Fide scriptorians in my class and one of them raised his hand and stated that as members that we often forget the other part of that verse, which is that the hearts of the fathers will be turned to the children. As he elaborated, I began to understand my place a little more and felt a little less alone. As I have subsequently cogitated on the issue, I have concluded that there is probably someone who cares for me enough back up the family tree that when the time comes I can be sealed to them. Because truth be told we know some of us and our loved ones are not going to make it to the highest glory.

For a person like me, this sad reality has been crystal clear since I was very young. At 12 or 13 I was very deeply moved to inquire of heavenly father about what happens to a family when a family member commits a terrible crime which is a sin, and I received a wonderful warm blessing of the spirit assuring me that all would be well. This was a simple moment and I have learned much more intellectually and spiritually since then.

I also couldn't help pondering a story from DH's family. His grandmother remarried as a widow with many young children and then went on to have even more children with the second husband. One of the granddaughters from husband number one told the grandmother she felt bad because she wasn't really a part of second husband's extended family. The grandmother told her, "Don't Worry You are Kin." When the granddaughter and I were looking over the extended geneaologies of these Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Kentucky families, she said she finally understood what her grandmother meant. While there wasn't any evidence of first cousin marrying that were many second and third cousin marriages and brother and sister in law connections between the families. They were very tightly knit together by extended family and especially in law relationships.

This story does not quite end here, because one of our sister scriptorians got up last Sunday to bear her testimony about the family we have within our Ward and how we are bound together that way, and, in her case, because of her children being sealed to members of other families in our ward, which also reminded me that there are blessings that may someday flow from below in the family tree which turned my (a mother's) heart to my children. For me, these incidents were quite a blessing.

Even more remarkable, in my place in the greater human family outside of the church, I feel doubly blessed to have "Grandma and Grandpa," rainbow colored as they are, in my life. WE ARE ALSO KIN.

"Don't Worry-You are Kin" Part 1

I thought the house was a total loss as far as blogging went, but The Gay Dot's recent post and my recent visit to "Grandpa and Grandma's House" fanned the embers into a small flame or two or three. Bear with me as I rummage around a bit in the ashes to get to my point.

As I was returning the Kid to distant shores after Christmas Break, we were once again invited to stop at dear family friend's house. Dear family friend and his household were the subjects of my Better Boob Story post. The Kid said on the way over that he would have been just as happy not to stop at dear family friend's house and just spend the evening with me. I said that I appreciated that, but, dear family friend and E are the closest thing he has right now to a Grandma and Grandpa and they are not going to be around forever or have their wits about them for much longer. The Kid gave me the requisite, "Oh, Mom" giggle and eye roll. I said, "yes, it was a baaaaad joke."

So as we were visiting, family friend and E, they mentioned that they were traveling to attend E's class reunion together. The Kid giggled and quasi rolled his eyes, because now we really do have confirmation that they are more like Grandma and Grandpa than we thought. Not only have I really liked family friend for a very long time, but I also like E, especially now, that he is a she. We had quite the girl talk as E put it.

After I left, I got to thinking about "Grandma and Grandpa" in light of my previous thoughts of finding a new set of parents that I could be adopted by in my Are you my Mother? post. This line of fantastical thinking went something like this: What if family friend and E married? What if I agreed to be adopted by them? Could I then be sealed to them after they died as so many other people do ordinances for their non-member family members after death? Who would really know that E did not start life as a she, everything has been changed legally? God would know. But what does God really think about this? Is this akin to entering a gay marriage if one agrees to be adopted as an adult by a man and a formerly male transperson? Ooops, but wait, under the law they would be an opposite sex couple? And, so, the line of questions ran through my head.

E had a child from one of her marriages so this is not going to happen but it was certainly one of those out of the box moments for me to ponder this idea.

I have blogged extensively about coming to earth in a non-standard issue family of origin for a Mormon: Daughter of a Polyamorist, Are You My Mother, Illegitimate Fathers, Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browing, My Other Mother-Penny and Cheaper than Therapy. There are probably other posts that I've made that touch on these issues.

I have also explored what is like to be in a nonconforming marriage situation as an active member in Not Conflicted . . . and Not in Hiding.

To be continued . . . .

Resonance

May I just say that there is more than one element of the story told on this blog, Finding My Gay Mormon Way, that resonates deeply with me. And, leaves me once again, feeling very glad for my patriarchial blessing which helped me to understand and accept who I am sexually very early on.

Happy New Year to all!

Fading Away

I feel my interest in blogging on the topics on this blog fading away. I think it is because of the following reasons:

1) Life's demands call me elsewhere.

2) Could it be that I've done all the inner work I needed to do to find resolution to my internal conflicts? I think so.

3) I think gay marriage WILL inevitably be the law of the land in the United States.

4) I truly believe there is important progress being made to more fully integrate Gay LDS members into the body of the church in a more loving way.

5) My desire is to be placed into a calling some time in the future where I can be a peacemaker and or a servant on these matters within the church and my local community. There, I've written it for posterity.

6) There are just certain aspects of "being involved" in an online community that get tiring. This occurs not just in this community but others as well.

7) While I think what I've had to say is important (at least to me), I wonder how much more there really is to say? How much value is there in one single "sexually fluid" female member of the Church's experience? We cannot possibly be monolithic. As far as I know, I'm the only remotely active LDS "both sex attracted" female blogger out who was attempting to parent a coming out teenager, but all the issues surrounding those conflicts are mostly over now.

So, to my special friends (you know who you are I think), have a very Merry Christmas.

Once in a lifetime opportunity

Tonight, I'm going to pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity that is inconvenient due to scheduling conflicts, weather, and cash flow. I hope that I get another opportunity in the future. I will probably relax and fall asleep early which is not a bad thing.

There is a part of me that says,"Quiet Song, you should do this thing." The other part of me (the intellectual) says, "You can seek out a similar opportunity later."

Rational Quiet Song who is also the very sleepy quit song, wishes one and all a good night.

Movie List

The Movies that mean a lot to me:

The Fellowship of the Ring (Peter Jackson)

The Two Tower (Peter Jackson)

The Return of the King (Peter Jackson)

The Hunt for Red October

Gone with the Wind (for its study of classic female archetypes)

The Orginal Star Wars film (which ushered in an era and brought closure to my grief over losing a friend in a car accident)

The Other Side of Heaven (Best film ever made about Mormons)

A Christmas Story (How the rest of us really live and celebrate Christmas)

Obsession (Hitchcock)

Another Question Regarding Organizations such As Evergreen and Journey into Manhood

Every so often, a letter arrives from Church Headquarters to be read over the pulpit. One of those letters was read last week and dealt with the topic of therapeutic, social service agencies/non profits that loosely claim or present themselves as having an affiliation with the church. This is the don't do it letter that seems to come out every four to five years. With the recent publicity of Journey Into Manhood's program, I could not help but wonder about the timing of this recent letter and it would seem that Journey into Manhood is exactly the kind of suspect organization doing all the same things that the other suspect programs and organizations have done in the past with a gay focus.

Two Sides of the Same Rhetorical Coin

I find myself wondering if the gay community's readiness to blame that person's family of origin and the church when a GLBT LDS person commits suicide (or dies in any way that could be suicide)isn't very much the same as the readiness within certain segments of religious communities to blame the family or the gay person (i.e. his or her parents for not providing appropriate role modeling) and the gay community (i.e. the culture, the recruiters, etc.)for a person's expression of sexual identity or acknowledgment of same sex attraction.

Colt Hansen-Updates you may not have read . . .

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2010/11/colt-david-hansen-clash-with-mormon-faith-leads-to-another-lgbt-suicide-in-utah/

"#1 – The fight between Colt and his Father the night before. It was originally told to PRIDEinUtah that the fight was over the Mormon (LDS) religion. It looks like this has been disproven, and the fight was over some private family matters which I don’t think I should post here.

#2 – Was his death a suicide? This is mostly likely going to be a grey area permanently. Half of Colt’s friends (including the ones who initially spoke with PRIDEinUtah last week) are saying it was a suicide, but the other half are saying his overdose on depression and surgery medications was an accident. The simple fact is we may not ever find out which it was. We are still trying to see the coroner’s report, but we are told the cause of death is still undetermined. However, after speaking with several health professionals we have been advised that even if it was suicide, the cause of death will almost always still be listed as accidental.

#3 – The parents do not want friends to attend the funeral. This was both true and false it seems. The family initially announced that it would be a family-only affair, prompting our story on Friday. Since then however his family has come out saying that they only did that because they didn’t think anyone would come. Any friends of Colt who would like to attend will be more than welcomed by the family. However this still doesn’t change the facts of how they handled the obituary, or that they are asking for donations to the Mormon Mission Fund in Colt’s name.

When it comes down to it though folks, none of this really matters. What matters is that we have lost an incredibly wonderful person in our community. The outpouring at his memorial at Try-Angles last night was incredibly beautiful, so many of Colt’s friends and co-workers shared personal stories about how he brightened their lives. I was in tears by the end, and was reminded of what’s really important. It’s not the details of someone’s death that count. It’s remembering who they were, and renewing your personal pledge to be the best friend you can be so that hopefully one day we can end these senseless deaths.

Rest in peace Colt, you will be dearly missed and you were dearly loved."

An Emancipation Story

Ahhh, Freedom from Oppression on the new Underground Railroad for unhappy GLBT youth. Moho Hawaii blogs about a 29 year old cousin who intends to insist his 16 year old cousin in fleeing from oppressive Utah. I must say I can't wait to hear how this one plays out(Adult gay male relative lures Utah teen from his home-wait till the homophobes seize on that one).

As a parent, I do not support this kind of meddling from well intentioned outsiders and we had quite an issue with one of our hetero kids with it. With the Kid, he also wanted to move out early and I blocked it. Kind of. But not really, because here was the deal, "Kid, you meet all the requirements the court would have, i.e. show that you are capable of managing your financial affairs, etc. and I WILL HELP you fill out the paperwork for your emanicipation petition and support you before the court in getting it."

This is an issue that pops up in my professional life from time to time. There are adults who are happy to provide other people's children a place to sleep on a couch or with their child, to have unprotected sex, drink, use drugs and not go to school. I've not seen the gay version of this, but I've certainly seen it with hetero kids. "Oh, and Mom, me and her have a paper route, and her Mom can get extra food stamps if I come live with them and extra money from the state." And, in all fairness there are others who are just willing to help otherwise mostly responsible teenagers with real or perceived problems.

In our later case, the Kid didn't like the offer to assist him in becoming emancipated. At all. And the funny thing was as eighteen neared, he was not quite so ready to go and needed some ever so gentle motherly nudging to launch from the nest. We are all happy now and he has completed high school, which he would not have if emancipated or "moved out," is furthering his education and ability to support himself, and, I think is relatively happy NOW.

GLBTQ youth NEED their parents. They need them for access to Medical Care. Does 29 year old cousin have the ability to ensure that if there is a serious organic component to depression of teen cousin, he can get treatment for that? Some more than others need them for the structure and responsiblity. Is 29 year old cousin really ready to enforce some reasonable rules or is it going to be party hardy central in his apartment day and night? Hell, is he ready and financially able to feed the typical older teenage boy? And, I could go on.

If it is really that oppressive, then the local child protection agency would be involved and placement with the cousin may indeed be an option, but, interfering with the parent child relationship when that point has not been reached is indefensible. Adult cousin should offer to help in anyway he can, but if rebuffed should stay out of state and mind his own business until cousin is eighteen.

My Own It Gets Better Post

My remarks are directed at parents, particularly any other parents like myself who may have more fluid sexual identity, are devout members of the LDS church, and are dealing with the early stages of a child questioning and coming out.

It gets better.

The internal conflict you feel may be debilitating, the decisions you are called to make on how to best counsel, guide and, yes, at times discipline your LGBTQ child may be daunting, and your ability to care for your own needs may be diminished. In my own case, I fasted and prayed, not for change, but for a greater ability to love, that my child might develop a testimony, and to know how to best respond. I eventually was blessed with tremendous peace and great hope for a better future. I also had to work and walk a fine line. With gay kids and the ever present dialogue over suicide issues, its easy to slip into lower expectations for them to avoid conflict. Don't. Stand firm and require progress in school and other facets of their lives.

Surprisingly, you will also come to a greater acceptance of yourself and have more grace in dealing with the foibles of others.

Question-Believing and LGBT or same sex attracted and parenting children who are LGBT or same sex attracted?

It has recently come to my attention that there are at least two other members of the MOHO blogosphere who could be classified as "actively believing" in the "gospel" and remaining close to the church and either consider themselves LGBT and same sex attracted, and raising children who are questioning, same sex attracted or openly LGBT. Are there more of us than three?

The Resignation of Boyd K. Packer

As I listened to his talk, the best way I can put what I heard from him on the "marriage" issue was resignation that change was on its way outside of the Church. And frustration. All in all, I thought that talk covered much more than marriage and touched the vast majority of all LDS homes through the pornography issue and others. I also found Dallin H. Oaks talk interesting in light of what I know about John G-W's experiences. However, I believe each individual has to do the very best they can in light of what they experience of the Spirit. And, I know in my heart that some things will always be in conflict or be ambiguous when it comes to the gospel. Each person must seek to reconcile their own experiences in the very best way they can. Perhaps most telling was the fatigued, wearied, yet powerful gratitude of our prophet at the end of the morning session.

How I will Spend Conference Weekend

My comments are inspired by Kiley's post on General Conference.

Today I might do some grocery shopping before settling in with my computer for the Saturday morning session. I may even do the dishes and begin my preliminary 'fridgerator' purge preparatory to grocery shopping, or maybe not. I will ask Baby Song if he would like to watch a talk or two with me this morning. He may or may not, but I will not require a Saturday morning session of him. After conference on my laptop, I doubt that I will reopen a conference program until very late this evening.

Some years ago, I helped start a community event which takes place on fall conference weekend. All of us Mormons on that initial board forgot about conference and didn't raise an objection to the timing, so for years we all had to juggle our community committment with our inherent conference commitment. This afternoon, DH and I and Baby Song will attend part of that event together. Then we will go home and work on our landscape for a while. I may bake sweet treats, make jam or make soup. Mid evening I will go to another part of the community event alone.

When I get home, depending on my fatigue level, I might listen to a rebroadcast of part or all of the afternoon session.

On Sunday, I along with Baby Song will probably get dressed and go to the Sunday Morning session of conference at the local building receiving the broadcast, although I have been known to skip it and only go to the afternoon session. I will make my normal Sunday calls to loved ones. I may go alone to the Sunday Afternoon session at the local building, skip it or watch it by myself on the internet. For the next few weeks I will watch whatever parts of conference I missed online by myself.

Sunday night, I will go alone or with a friend or possibly with DH and Baby Song to the final activity of the community event.

Sometime in the next few days, I will talk with Number One Song, who did the entire conference weekend last year and had some "picks" as to what the best talks were, to see what his take was on his favorites this year (that is, if he was off from work and made it to different sessions than I did). Last year DH and Baby Song joined in that telephone call and it had a bit of a flavor of a fantasy football draft as we talked about Number One Song's "picks."

If our history is any indication of the future, we will have at least 4-5 family home evenings in the next 2-3 months where we watch talks from conference from the internet archives and discuss them.

I will probably shoehorn a nap or two in somewhere as well. I don't suppose we "celebrate" fall conference in the stereotypical way, but I think it works for us. I also would like to blog a bit and do some bookkeeping for my business.

I do like conference weekends in both Spring and Fall, but I do not think I could ever do an entire weekend with my current family configuration and I've always had a bit of morbid disbelief that some families do manage to attend or watch the whole thing, together.

I've never attended conference live. I suspect it's one of those things that is really better for some people in person, although I do not know if I'm one of them-I don't think I'd like the traffic and the huge numbers of people. I love the flexibility of the broadcasts on the internet. Each year the technology required to deliver to a worldwide audience seems to improve as well.

All the Tea in China, part 1

Sorry for the blank blog, more to come later on the following topics:

Power (of many kinds)

Anger (of not so many kinds)

and the Chinese and their Tea.

Last but not Least, the Bettie Page Hairstyle

I have never liked her high school graduation picture. It was the bangs. I hated the bangs. It's only been in the last year or so, while looking for vintage hairstyles, that I discovered Bettie Page. Bettie was the first "bondage" model. I'll leave it at that. No photos, no links. My mother was emulating Bettie Page in High School. No, this is not an exaggeration. I'm fairly certain.

The truth is that my Drama Mama was a narcissist. She needed to be the center of attention. When she joined the Church, she became a better person, she worked hard at it and tried to control that broken inner part. But, much of the manipulative, mean, jealous and unkind behavior that goes with that particular personality disorder still bubbled just below the surface. Just as sexuality had been an outlet earlier in her life, alternative medicine and her many practitioners and vendors became the outlet for the last two thirds of her life.

Still she mostly managed to keep the most obnoxious parts of that personality disorder under wraps. That was until her brain started to go in her final illness. Then she was in and out, with all the attendant consequences and the unfortunate enabling from the three princesses.

In the end, I still love her. And, hopefully this is the end for me in chasing all the puzzle pieces down and maybe I can now move on. I do feel a certain peace in the gospel and the atonement of Christ. It's big enough for me and my Drama Mama with all her foibles.

Cheaper than Therapy?

I sometimes wonder what this blog has cost me and what it has saved me in Therapy. Last night I spoke with Uncle Doc (last survivor of Drama Mama's extended family that I knew). She had "pissed him off" which had led to him not wanting anything to do with the Church and not returning my phone calls. I had written him off, but decided I just had to have some answers to questions, so I called and left a voicemail. He has really made a good effort to get back to me and claims he wants to stay in touch, which is deadening my feelings of loss. Here's a picture of me with my Drama Mama.



We did talk last night and he answered my questions. He said that Penny was the "best woman my Mom ever knew." Right away, without hearing my further questions about their sexuality. He said it was possible that they were lesbians or had a romantic relationship, but he didn't know. He confirmed that Drama Mama left the homelands for the big city a couple states away because Penny had a job there and "invited" Drama Mama to come out to live in the same city. Here's a picture of me with my "Aunt Penny."



Like me, he remembers that there was some sort of falling out between Drama Mama and Penny, but doesn't know what it was about. I don't remember us living with Penny ever, but we all spent a lot of time together. I also remember her giving a speech to Penny which was an it's a time for you to move on speech why don't you marry our friend the beatnik (which she did).

He helped identify a couple personalities for me,and, I love his TMI moments, confessed that all had been drinking too much and he woke up one morning in bed with my biological father's former girlfriend (before Drama Mama)without knowing what had happened between them or if anything had happened at all. Any way Bio Dad's former girlfriend also appears to be a big part of my life as a baby and toddler as her name is also all over my baby book.

Finally, his memory was that Drama Mama got kicked out of nursing school (a residential program) because the Nuns thought she was a bad influence on the other women in the program. He said she was running with a very bad and well known group of "rough" people. He also confirmed that his older brother was routinely calling the school and asking, "Is this the Catholic whore house?"