I Left my Flaming Pantyhose at the Summer Cottage in Babylon

So, as a brief and incongruous interlude to my ongoing dissection of domestic violence issues in the LDS and LGBT communities and how those concerns may intersect, I now take you to my very own Summer Cottage in Babylon which I gave up a couple of years ago-Roller Derby. I loved Derby. Due to my age, I rode the second wave ashore and was a dedicated, though mostly closeted fan.

I say mostly closeted, because the fam and I did go together to watch one incredibly satisfying, slutty, violent, catty clash of femmes and butches working together to kick "trash." They all loved it and as I mentioned to DH, "Chicks with big thighs-could it get any better?" He did not object. Certainly one could speculate that my obsession with derby and sizable female thighs is ample evidence of my "sexual fluidity."

I followed a particular team, had a favorite skater and followed her on MySpace and Facebook, and almost broke my pledge regarding never wearing pantyhose again. For you see, derby girls are unrepentant connoisseurs of fish net, tights with flames, and all manner of extreme hosiery. However, I did decide that the incessant innuendo, crude humor and language, and, yes, the violence of it all, probably wasn't appropriate for the part of me that wanted to be a "holy woman." So I left derby behind.

Which leaves the pantyhose issue doesn't it? That's another incongruity and according to some measures of "tru-blu mormonism" a matter of obvious hypocrisy on my part as I refuse to wear pantyhose (well at least the demure sheer or semi sheer that are part of the Sunday Mormon Woman Uniform). The one exception was last year's civil wedding of the "kids." Let it be known that I also wore a girdle for that event as well. Never again.

I digress.

The point being that were I to actually take up wearing pantyhose or tights to church again, they would be of the highly patterned kind or nearly opaque ornate knitted "fishnet." Even if I wanted to go sheer or semi-sheer, there is still the matter of the network varicose veins and spider on my left shin that somewhat resembles a tattoo of the highway network on the Eastern Seaboard. Given the possibility that conspiring minds could mistakenly conclude Quiet Song had a leg tattoo, demure Mormon lady pantyhose is out. Which leaves my Islamic style long skirts which allow me great flexibility in both footwear and hosiery, or lack thereof.